The spinning wheel of relationships is one thing that is difficult to avoid and you should be aware of. Today maybe everything feels warm and pleasant, but the next day just saying hello with your partner feels hard. Problems in relationships, busyness with each other, and poor communication patterns are some of the factors that can worsen the relationship between you and your partner. Don't worry, it's never too late to return the romance of a relationship. The first step you can take is to improve your communication skills. Believe me, good communication patterns will really help you and your partner to open up to each other and get closer in the future.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Becoming a Better Listener
Step 1. Ask questions
This is the best way to improve the quality of your conversation with your partner. Get into the habit of asking what's going on at your partner's workplace, how he or she is feeling, and ask your partner to tell you simple things that come into his or her daily life. Of course, you need to encourage him to do the same. Also ask questions to clarify his statement or to get more information from him. Indirectly, this will encourage him to be more open to you in the future.
- Ask questions that will allow him to tell more. Start with general topics; over time, touch on more specific topics and encourage your partner to open up more to you.
- Start by asking how he was that day. If the communication feels comfortable, continue by asking interesting or annoying events that happened at the office.
- Once your partner starts to tell you specific things, try slipping the story into other conversations you've had. For example, you might ask, "That's happened before, hasn't it?" or “Wow, I had no idea it happened after _ said that last week”.
- Ask your partner how he or she feels about the events they are telling. Let him know that you always care about him and support him.
Step 2. Repeat the pair's words
One of the crucial problems in communication between couples is when one party feels that the other party does not hear or understand it. Therefore, repeat what your partner has said (summarizing it in your own language if necessary) to show that you are listening and processing whatever he is saying. It can also help you focus more on what's being said; at least you'll notice when your focus starts to get distracted.
- Use a reasonable and friendly tone of voice. If your partner interprets your behavior as a reproach, things can only get worse.
- Try not to keep repeating the words. If done excessively, the couple can feel annoyed and disturbed.
- Summarize the pair's words in your own language. This shows that you have processed the words, not just repeating them word for word.
- You may be able to use transitional phrases before repeating the words. Say, "So you said that…" or "I think I get what you mean. You said _ earlier. Right?"
Step 3. Observe the nonverbal signals from the pair
Sometimes, body language sounds just as loud as words. The way you and your partner position yourself in a conversation can be an unintentional clue, but it can reflect the subconscious of both parties. You don't have to be too obsessed with reading your partner's body language. But if you feel your partner is showing odd body language, ask him if he's angry; let him know that you are aware of his body language.
- If your partner folds his arms across his chest, he may be on the defensive, feeling isolated, or closing his emotions from you.
- If your partner avoids eye contact with you, he or she is most likely feeling embarrassed, annoyed, not really interested in what you have to say, or just doesn't want to communicate with you.
- If your partner turns away from you in the middle of a conversation, they are more likely to feel disinterested in what you have to say, are frustrated, or are keeping their emotions from you.
- If your partner is speaking in a loud, aggressive tone, it's likely that his temper is getting out of hand, and your conversation is prone to getting into an argument. This may happen if your partner feels that you don't want to listen or understand.
- Some body language appears unintentionally, so don't accuse your partner of being secretly angry with you. Try asking in a friendly tone, “Your body language shows you're angry. But, your words say otherwise. What are you thinking about?"
Part 2 of 3: Talking to Couples
Step 1. Be honest and open
As you probably already know, being honest means not telling lies or leading your partner into wrong thoughts. If you have good intentions, of course this is not a difficult thing to do. On the other hand, being open to your partner will make you "powerless" at one point. This is often difficult for many people to do. If you've been struggling (or reluctant) to be honest and open with your partner, work harder for a lasting relationship with your partner.
- Honest and open communication is the main foundation of a lasting and solid relationship. If you and your partner find it difficult to open up to each other, chances are that you will have a hard time dealing with problems that arise in the future.
- Tell the truth to your partner. Don't cover up or hide your feelings. If he finds out later (whether from you, or from someone else), he's more likely to feel angry and disappointed.
- If you're having trouble opening up, tell your partner. Also explain why you often find it difficult to express your feelings. If he knows your predicament, he will likely try to be more supportive. He may also make a habit of asking prompt questions or asking you for further clarification at a later date.
Step 2. Reflect before speaking
Many people are in too much of a rush to express their opinion/thoughts that they are reluctant to stop for a moment and reflect on what they have just said. This is what happens when you communicate your thoughts and respond to your partner's words at the same time.
- Think carefully about what you want to say before you start talking.
- Be aware of how you feel when you are talking to your partner.
- Speak as clearly and as clearly as possible.
- If you want to respond to your partner's words, wait a few seconds before responding; make sure your partner is done talking. In addition, you also need a few seconds to process the words and think of the best way to convey your response.
Step 3. Respect the person you are talking to
Instill the principle of "respect the other person" whenever you communicate with your partner. Respecting the other person may be an informal agreement that everyone has to make, but make sure you focus on more specific things: manage your words, your tone of voice, the underlying theme of your communication, and your posture. Make sure all of the above components show your appreciation for your partner.
- Take responsibility for everything you do and say during the conversation, even if that accountability can lead to arguments.
- You and your partner must both express their thoughts and feelings clearly; but remember, say things calmly, politely, and respectfully.
- Validate your partner's feelings. Try to understand why your partner feels this way, and then respect the fact that he or she does as much as possible.
- Show a polite and respectful posture. Don't sit slumped in a chair, don't avoid eye contact, and don't get busy doing other things while your partner is talking. Look into her face and give her your full attention.
- Give your response politely and respectfully. Don't interrupt your partner's words and don't blame their feelings.
- If there is a misunderstanding between you, don't get angry or upset right away. Calmly and unhurriedly, ask your partner to clarify what he means.
Step 4. Focus on the “I” utterance
When you and your partner's emotions get out of control, especially when you're fighting or when you're feeling hurt, your tongue will easily be provoked to make declarative statements (such as "You're a liar who can only hurt my feelings." Psychologists agree that using the phrase "I'm not good enough." " can work much more effectively to reduce tension. When choosing an "I" utterance, you seem to be focusing the discourse on how you feel, not on what your partner is doing. A good and correct "I" utterance should involve the following components this:
- Expression of emotion ("I feel _")
- An objective and non-emotional description of your partner's behavior that makes you feel something ("I feel _ when you _")
- An explanation of why a behavior or situation might make you feel something ("I feel _ when you _, because _")
Step 5. Don't rush
If you haven't been in a relationship in a long time, or if you've never been in a relationship at all and aren't used to expressing your feelings to the opposite sex, there's no need to rush. Keep trying to establish communication with your partner every day. But at the same time, honestly tell your partner how comfortable you are when it comes to sharing your thoughts/feelings with him, and when you think you can actually tell him everything comfortably and openly.
- Don't rush into deep, complicated, or difficult conversations. Let things go as they are according to your readiness.
- Don't rush your partner, don't let them rush you.
- Do what makes both parties feel comfortable, and understand that no matter how small the effort you make will still have a positive impact on your relationship.
Step 6. Use statements that express yourself
Such statements can be very useful in a relationship, especially if you are not used to sharing your feelings, thoughts, or sharing your personal life with others. This way, you'll get into the habit of slowly opening up to your partner (assuming he or she will do the same to you). Try to start building openness with one another by stating the following:
- I am a person who _.
- One of the things I wish people knew about me was _.
- When I try to express my feelings, _.
Part 3 of 3: Improving Communication Skills Together
Step 1. Try different ways of communicating
There are many different ways of communicating, and of course there is no better or more correct way. However, there are definitely ways to communicate that work more effectively for you. To find the best way to communicate, you first need to do various experiments.
- Try to be more expressive. Let your partner know how you are feeling, then ask how he feels.
- Some people prefer to prioritize facts over emotions when speaking. If you'd rather say, "I don't think my current job is making enough money" than "I'm worried about my finances," you might be one of them.
- Be more assertive. This way of communicating requires you to express your feelings, opinions, and needs clearly, without violating your partner's rights.
- Avoid passive communication. People who communicate passively usually have trouble expressing their thoughts, feelings, or needs; it is this type of communicator that will usually have a bad impact on relationships.
- As much as possible, throw away your emotions before discussing important things with your partner. Take a few minutes to calm down so that your emotions don't get directly involved in the conversation. But make sure you still acknowledge how you and your partner feel.
Step 2. Focus on communicating the simple things
The habit of telling simple things to your partner is very effective in maintaining a lasting relationship. In addition, these habits will also increase the level of communication in your relationship. You can ask him to remember silly things that have happened in the past, tell about each other's activities that day, ask your partner's plans for the weekend, or simply tell him things that you find interesting or funny.
- Sharing simple things that happen in each other's lives can help bring you and your partner closer together. In addition, these habits will also help you to get to know each other more intimately.
- Ask your partner to go into more detail about whatever he or she is telling you.
- Make sure you ask follow-up questions after your partner tells the story. Make sure you show genuine interest, not suspicion or distrust of your partner.
Step 3. Take time to communicate with your partner
Many couples are too busy with their respective schedules to put communication aside. Don't worry, it's never too late to fix it; most importantly, you and your partner want to take the time to communicate. No matter how busy you are, always make time for honest and open communication with your partner. You can still make time to eat, sleep, or drive to work. So why can't you do something similar to communicate with your partner?
- If having a definite schedule is very important for you and your partner, then just schedule "rest time and get closer to your partner". Take at least one day a week to spend time with your partner.
- Minimize various distractions around you that can disrupt the flow of communication. Turn off the TV or radio, and put your phone on silent mode.
- Chat with your partner while doing your daily routine, such as when you're driving or helping them with household chores.
- Notice when your partner looks agitated or looks like he's about to say something to you. Ask if something is wrong or if he has something to tell you.
- Make sure every conversation between you and your partner reflects the commitment, trust, and intimacy of each other.
Step 4. Consider seeking expert help
You may often find it difficult to communicate with your partner (either because you are not used to it, or your relationship is not good). Don't worry, this doesn't mean your relationship has failed; You just need to try a little harder. This is where the role of experts is needed.
- A licensed couples counselor can help you and your partner be more communicative and open up to each other.
- You may also need to make an effort to be more honest with each other, be more interested in each other's lives, and spend more time together.
- Nowadays, you can easily find information about expert counselors on the internet. In addition, you can also consult online with various expert psychologists on the Ask a Psychologist page.
Tips
- Regardless of what's going on in your life, try to spend as much time as possible with your partner.
- When you're together, make sure communication goes smoothly. Start by talking about simple things; As time goes on and your sense of comfort increases, start touching on the bigger and more important things.
Warning
- Don't expect your partner to be as comfortable (or as uncomfortable) as you are when it comes to communicating things honestly and openly. Remember, everyone is different; any relationship. Be a more understanding partner and ask your partner to do the same.
- If your partner seems irritated or annoyed, it may be a sign that he needs some distance. Don't push it and respect the boundaries it sets.
