Relationships, whether platonic, family, or romantic, sometimes have their own challenges. Often people go through heartache and rebuilding the trust of someone who has been hurt takes a lot of time and effort. If the two parties involved are committed to each other, it is not impossible that both of them can make peace. If you use the right approach, you can go through the process of making peace while maintaining your self-respect.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Preparing for Peace
Step 1. Recognize that making peace is different from forgiving
People often equate forgiveness with reconciliation. In fact, forgiveness is something that only one person can do, while making peace needs to be done by two people involved. If someone doesn't feel like making peace, you certainly can't make peace with that person (even if you want to make peace with them). If the other person doesn't feel ready to make peace, maybe now isn't the time for you to make peace with him.
- Don't beg or belittle yourself to get the other person to talk or listen to what you have to say. Remember that you only have control over your own actions.
- If he doesn't want to talk to you about the situation, give him some time to be alone.
Step 2. Set realistic expectations
Reconciling is a process so it's a good idea not to expect things to go back to normal after one meeting or chat. Try to focus on the small achievements in the process rather than focusing too much on the end result (which may not necessarily live up to your expectations). It takes time for a broken relationship to heal.
Examples of small accomplishments you can have are having a nice, relaxed chat with him or discussing the problem without having to show your anger again (eg in a high pitched voice)
Step 3. Put your ego aside
The peace process requires honesty. Regardless of where you stand on the issue (whether as the offending party or the offended party), be prepared to hear things about yourself that you may not like. Show a willingness to admit that you are wrong, feel hurt, and see things from the other person's point of view.
- Your desire and willingness to make peace will show your strength.
- It's a good idea to journal about how you're feeling before you talk to the person in question. This way, you can straighten your thoughts and anticipate future conversations.
Step 4. Evaluate the relationship that has been damaged
Take some time to just sit back and think about what went wrong in the relationship. Write down the specific problems and your role in those problems. In addition, also write down possible solutions to the problems that have been written previously.
- This way, you can stay focused when talking to the person. In addition, you can also show him that you are committed to improving the existing relationship.
- While brainstorming and thinking about a specific problem, write down your role in the problem and the effect it had on the other party. Think about how he views your actions and how he feels. After that, think about his role in the problem and how you felt after he took certain actions. Make sure that your proposed solution is likely to benefit or benefit both parties involved (in this case, you and the other party).
- This may be difficult to do when you are still angry or upset with the other party. You need to make a decision to put yourself in that party's shoes.
- Imagine how he felt. Ask yourself if he feels angry, hurt, or disgusted. Also think about times when you felt the same emotion. This way, you can feel the same way he feels.
Part 2 of 2: Starting the Peace Process
Step 1. Demonstrate your desire to achieve positive results
Begin the reconciliation process by telling him what you mean. When trust has been shattered, it can be difficult to be sure of someone's intentions or goals. Therefore, it is important that you express a sincere desire to improve the relationship.
You could say, for example, "I know things aren't going well between us, but I really want to make things right."
Step 2. Accept and acknowledge your anger and resentment
Most likely both of you feel hurt and unfairly treated. You can't pretend that those feelings don't exist. Tell him why you feel angry or upset. On the other hand, you should also allow him to express his anger.
- It's a good idea to write down your feelings before talking to him. If you don't write down your feelings before you talk to them, you can both write them down together and exchange notes.
- When someone expresses their anger towards you, don't underestimate them. Don't say things like "You shouldn't feel that way" or "Ah, that doesn't make sense!" Instead, try saying, for example, "You have a right to feel that way" or "I understand how you feel."
Step 3. Listen or see the other person's point of view
Let him talk about the relationship from his point of view. By understanding the situation from both sides' perspectives, you can prevent the same mistakes from happening in the future. In addition, both of you need to empathize with each other. Empathy can also reduce hurt and anger.
- Ask yourself what you would do if you were in his position. Think about how you would feel, how you would react, and the expectations you would have for yourself.
- Show your full attention when he is talking. Don't think about the rebuttals to come up with when he's talking. Wait for the person to finish speaking before you respond.
Step 4. Apologize for the mistakes made
After you've both talked about your feelings and emotions, you need to apologize for whatever caused them. When you apologize for hurting someone, you accept that their feelings have been hurt. Apologizing is a way to show that you appreciate and empathize with what he's going through. Your apology should also make it clear that you are sorry for what you did, are responsible for it, and are willing to take action to remedy the situation.
- Apologizing to someone is nothing to be ashamed of. One has to be proud to be able to apologize. Therefore, apologizing does not show that you are a weak person.
- You could say, for example, "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I shouldn't have done that. I won't do it again." Try to be as specific about your apology as possible. Apologies that appear "fuzzy" or unclear won't look like sincere requests.
- If you receive an apology, thank him and accept what he has done. You could say, for example, "I accept your apology" or "I forgive you. I know it's hard for you."
Step 5. Ask and/or apologize
Now that you've apologized for the wrong you've done, it's time to start the forgiveness process. Your apology shows that you regret what you did and want to take responsibility. However, forgiving one person's mistakes is actually more than just accepting the actions of others. Forgiveness can encourage you to express the pain or irritation you are feeling, understand the root of the emotion, and (eventually) let go of any negative feelings. If you're apologizing, be honest about what you did wrong and ask him to forgive you. If you're the one receiving the apology, apologizing doesn't necessarily mean that you're weak or that you're letting things go.
- Forgiveness is a choice. Both parties want to express anger and guilt, and blame each other.
- Do not accept or apologize if the apology is not sincere. If you are not ready to forgive, make sure he knows that you are not. You could say, for example, “I still have to ease my feelings. Please be patient.”
- If he won't forgive you, you don't have to beg him to forgive you. What you can do is keep trying to apologize. Take care of your self-respect and wait for him to come or call you first.
- Forgiveness will facilitate the process of making peace, even though it doesn't always have to be there. Even if you or he isn't ready to forgive, it's still possible to make peace.
Step 6. Focus on what is in the moment
After you tell him about the hurt he felt, forgive, and be forgiven, it's important that you focus on the next step. Constantly repeating previously demonstrated chatter and behavior can disrupt or hinder the reconciliation process. Note that this process should focus on rebuilding and repairing relationships.
- Make sure both of you are willing to accept that what happened should not be brought up again. Try to take turns telling each other about the vision for the future relationship.
- Make a list of actions that can be taken to improve the situation. Simple things like having a weekly phone chat or having dinner together every month are usually things that both parties agree to do.
Step 7. Begin to rebuild trust
Trust is the foundation of every relationship. When trust is broken, it will take time and effort to rebuild it. You both need to keep communicating openly and honestly, stay consistent with your actions, and be patient. However, sometimes problems may arise in the relationship you are in.
- Make sure your words and actions match. If you promise to spend time with him or call him on the weekends, keep your promise.
- If you hurt her feelings, apologize immediately. If you're hurt, talk to him and make sure he knows that his actions hurt your feelings.
Tips
- Be patient, and don't expect that things will instantly get better as they used to be.
- Don't be discouraged when things don't go the way you planned.
- The length of time it takes to reconcile will depend on the specific situation in the relationship, as well as the personal nature or character of each person involved. Remember that every relationship is different.
