What do you do when you have a big argument with your boyfriend? Chances are both of you will feel hurt, angry, or sad. If you want to stay in a relationship, there are various ways to fix it. Start by understanding what's going on and then use compassion and humility to work through it.
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Part 1 of 3: Processing Arguments
Step 1. Calm down
You can't expect the argument to end soon. Take a few hours, even days, to calm down and process your emotions properly. Go for a walk, meet friends, or watch a movie. Do relaxing activities until you are calm enough to look at the situation objectively. Don't: run away without saying anything.
Do: say "I'm sad and need some time to cool off. Can we talk about it again tomorrow?"
Step 2. Analyze the causes of the quarrel
Quarrels rarely happen for no reason. Take some time to analyze the cause and whether there is anything you could have done differently in the situation.
- Review what happened. Why did you start fighting? What triggered it? What do you say? Do you regret everything you said? Why, or why not?
- Recognize that memory is subjective, especially in stressful situations. Your boyfriend may remember some aspects of the fight in different ways. This is normal, it doesn't mean either of you is being dishonest. However, pressure can indeed cause memories to become inaccurate.
Step 3. State your feelings
After the argument, you have to accept and experience the feeling. Even though we may dislike emotions like anger and sadness, we should still acknowledge them instead of ignoring them. Holding on to feelings can lead to sudden outbursts.
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Accept that emotions are not always rational. For example, if your boyfriend hurts your feelings, remember that he didn't do it on purpose. This is important so you can accept the situation. Recognize that both you and your boyfriend have the right to respond to an emotional argument, even when the response is completely unreasonable. Don't: shout "How could you do this?!"
Do: say "I'm mad that you broke your promise yesterday".
Part 2 of 3: Resolving the Argument
Step 1. Plan the conversation
Once you've both calmed down, arrange a time to discuss the conflict. After a big argument has taken place, you should schedule time to make sure both you and your partner are calm during the discussion.
- Choose a time to talk when there is no time limit. Pick a week or a weekend night when neither of you have to work the next morning. Try talking early in the evening after eating so that hunger and sleepiness don't interfere with conversation.
- If you don't live together, choose a neutral place to talk. While you may find it awkward discussing your relationship in public, a neutral location can help keep the two of you comfortable. Choose a place where there aren't many people, such as a quiet, spacious coffee shop or a public park that isn't usually crowded.
Step 2. Use open body language
When talking about conflict, use body language to demonstrate that you are open to talking. This way, the discussion can take place in a relaxed and effective way.
- Make eye contact. Nod from time to time to show that you are listening. Don't cross your arms or do anything that makes you look tense. Try to avoid nervous vibrations, such as playing with clothes or snapping your fingers.
- The occasional nod is a nonverbal indication that you are listening to what is being said.
Step 3. Use verbal communication skills
When discussing arguments, include verbal communication as well. Your boyfriend should know that you're ready to work things out, so make sure you communicate effectively after an argument breaks out.
- Speak clearly and briefly. Don't go into too much detail and try to get to the heart of the matter. Don't interrupt your boyfriend when he's talking. Make sure he always understands what you are saying. Ask for clarification if he says something you don't understand.
- Use "I" statements. These statements ensure that you are able to express your feelings rather than just judging a situation objectively. For example, instead of saying "You overreact when I'm late and embarrass me in front of your friends," say something like "I feel embarrassed when you scold me in front of your friends because I'm late."
Step 4. Acknowledge your boyfriend's feelings
In a romantic relationship, the feeling of being disowned is very frustrating. Even if you don't agree with your boyfriend's assessment of the situation, make sure you try to make him feel that his feelings are justified. Sometimes, the simple act of allowing someone to confess their feelings can release a lot of tension from a situation. This way, the pent-up negative energy will come out and your boyfriend will feel that you really care about his happiness. Don't: say "Sorry, but I was just kidding".
Do it: say "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I made you sad."
Step 5. Determine where you disagree with him
Most couples will face several issues that they cannot agree on. This is normal because every human being is unique. Use the argument as an opportunity to determine your differences and how you and him can reconcile these differences. If you have different expectations about spending time together, your overall relationship, or lifestyle choices, identify the problem and find a solution.
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See if you can pinpoint the main issue that led to the argument. If you have a big argument, usually the cause is not trivial either. Try to find out where the disagreement is and what you can do to resolve it. Sometimes acknowledging different feelings can help relieve tension. You two won't be too offended if you understand each other's differences in personality. Don't: force your boyfriend (or yourself) to change in every disagreement.
Do it: suggest ways to limit conflict, for example by avoiding activities or topics that can cause fights when you're together.
Step 6. Apologize
After reflecting on your actions and your role in the argument, apologize to your partner for your mistake. You should apologize specifically and honestly to demonstrate that you have heard and understood the concern. Don't: try to defend your actions with "but…" or refer to your boyfriend's behavior.
Do it: take his reaction calmly, even if he says "Yeah, you really suck."
Part 3 of 3: Preventing Fights in the Future
Step 1. Discuss new issues immediately
When you notice a problem is going on, don't ignore it. Instead of keeping it quiet, discuss it before it becomes a big problem. This way, you can prevent fights in the future.
Holding on to the problem without solving it will only exacerbate the next argument you have, because you and your partner will be reminding each other of things from the past. As a result, your boyfriend may feel attacked and blamed. When a problem arises, you must solve it immediately. Even a small issue can build up bitterness in your heart over time
Step 2. Create a process of resolving arguments without anger
Anger can make it difficult for you to respond rationally to situations. People often explode with anger and result in them being shunned by their closest friends/family members. Try working with your boyfriend to find a way to resolve the issue without getting angry. A good way to do this is to take 5 minutes to express how you feel when you disagree instead of trying to speak right away.
Step 3. Listen to the emotional needs that underlie the fight
Quarrels are often related to an unfulfilled emotional state. When your boyfriend is feeling sad or frustrated with you, try to see if you're failing to meet any of his needs. Have you two been away a bit lately? Are you too busy to spend less time with him? Think about whether you can't meet your boyfriend's needs and think about what you can do about it.
Step 4. Summarize what was discussed to make sure you understand
Always take the time to summarize the results of the discussion after you have argued with your partner. How do you feel? How is your boyfriend feeling? How will you both handle it so it doesn't happen again? Take five minutes to summarize a situation after the argument to prevent it from happening again in the future.
