An envious friend is a challenge in itself. Before you think of him as a bad friend or negative person, try to understand his feelings. Your friend's jealousy may stem from feelings of insecurity, not good enough, or meaningless. Talk to your friend and try to help him overcome this jealousy.
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Part 1 of 3: Understanding Your Friends' Jealousy
Step 1. Think about a time when he made a jealous comment
When your friend makes a critical or hurtful comment, try to pause and think about what triggered the comment. Did you share the good news that just happened to you? Did you just share your future plans? Is he jealous because he just spent time with other people? After a few days or weeks, you will start to see some kind of pattern. Recognizing this pattern can help you figure out how to change the subject of your reading and/or express your friend's insecurities.
- If your friend is constantly making jealous, hateful comments when you're spending time with other friends, he may be looking down on you because he's trying to boost his waning self-confidence.
- If your friend is always commenting with envy after you share your future plans, she may feel that her future is not as bright as yours.
Step 2. Try evaluating the content of this jealous comment
An envious comment can reveal a lot about the person who made the offending statement. Comments like this, while directed at you, are not really about you. Just think about the content of this comment. How does the content of this comment reveal his point of view and the way he sees himself? Do your friends always tell you that you are not good at something? Does he often make fun of your appearance?
- If your friend likes to criticize your belongings, it may be difficult for him to define his identity beyond the things he owns and his financial situation.
- If your friend makes negative comments about your success, he may be jealous of your opportunities or jealous of your talents.
- If your friend is constantly criticizing your appearance, she may feel insecure about her own physical appearance.
Step 3. Try to speculate what your friend is trying to achieve
Comments made with envy usually serve a dual purpose. First, statements like these are meant to make you feel bad about yourself. It could be that your friend is mad at you, trying to make him feel better by putting you down, or trying to manipulate you. It's also possible that your friend treats everyone this way.
- Your friend can be angry with you for a number of reasons, whether it's trivial or not. Is there a reason for him to be angry with you? Did you guys just fight? Did you forget to call him back? Are you gossiping about it?
- To reduce stress and distract from our guilt, insecurity, or fear, we too tend to point fingers at the weaknesses of others. Does your friend have confidence issues or are uncomfortable with her body shape? Does he feel unsure about his future?
- Putting someone down can make the person doing it feel stronger and more confident. Does your friend enjoy feeling superior and in control?
Step 4. Distinguish jealousy, negativity, and depression
Humans are complex creatures. Emotional, mental and physical health are interconnected and influence our moods, actions and words. You might think this friend's comment is because she's jealous, but there may be something else behind it. Instead of thinking your friend is just jealous, try asking how he's doing.
- Some people have a hard time dealing with negative thoughts. If your friend is constantly comparing himself to you, he may be trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and self-hatred. Statements that seemed to be made out of jealousy actually made him feel worse instead of better.
- Several recent studies have shown that depressed individuals have difficulty distinguishing negative emotions. If he's really jealous of you, it could be that he doesn't act or say things that show it. But if he's angry or sad, this emotional outburst may manifest into jealousy.
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Jealousy
Step 1. Get your friend to talk as soon as possible
Good friends are hard to find so don't let this conflict last too long because you might lose a good friend. If you value this friendship, talk to him about the jealousy straight away. Carefully address his envious comments but don't accuse him of being jealous. Try to convey nicely that these negative statements hurt you and make you anxious. Convey that you are worried about the continuity of your friendship and are afraid to see a change in your friend's attitude. State your feelings clearly and listen carefully to your friend's response.
- Ask how your friend is doing. Is he having problems at school, home, or work? Are her parents fighting? Has his love affair just ended? Did he miss a good opportunity? Is he trying to suppress his feelings about the matter so that he becomes jealous of you? Does he feel your life is better or easier than his?
- Try asking if you did something to offend or annoy him? Have you forgotten his last birthday? Did you forget to reply to his last text or call? Did you throw a party and forgot to invite it? Are you underestimating his achievements?
- Use statements starting with "I" to express your feelings and concerns. "I was hurt when you said _." Don't replace these statements starting with "I" with statements starting with "you" by adding words like "should" or "should" or changing the sentence to "I feel that" or "I feel that you…"
- Practice your ability to listen actively. Get rid of anything that distracts. Continue to maintain eye contact with your friend, leaning forward and tilting your head slightly. Don't cut the words.
Step 2. Keep an open mind
During the discussion, your friend's explanations or justifications for these envious comments or actions can take you by surprise. You may notice that your friend's behavior is driven by jealousy, but she may be adamant that she's not jealous of you at all. Your friend's critical words could be due to his disapproval of your new actions or relationship. Or, maybe the source of your friend's jealousy looks downright ridiculous to you. Instead of refuting his words, try to listen carefully to his explanations. Try to look at the matter from his perspective.
- Instead of denying his emotional response, try to validate his feelings. “I understand why you feel that _.” “I can understand why what I did upset you.” “I understand why you are envious of (my success, my clothes, my vacations, and so on.).”
- If you're having trouble with justifying your friend for what he or she is doing, try to remain polite, acknowledge the truth of her response, and try to politely agree to disagree.
- Don't tell your friends how they should feel.
Step 3. Encourage, support and lift your friends
As a friend who trusts and loves him, you are the perfect person to help your friend overcome this jealousy. You can help him through this process in a number of ways. Maybe he needs to see that you're not as perfect, as happy, or as great as you seem or maybe he needs to hear you say that he's worthy, special, and successful.
- If he's jealous of your success, help him realize how much his accomplishments mean.
- If he's depressed, help him get through the tough times.
- If his life at home isn't so ideal, give him a chance to go out more often or you can share your own problems with your family.
- If he is insecure about his body shape, try to compliment him every day.
- If he has a problem with his self-confidence, try expressing your fear as well.
Part 3 of 3: Confronting a Toxic Friendship
Step 1. Think about whether this friendship should be saved or not
Toxic friendships are harmful to physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Is your friend actually a toxic person? If so, your efforts to properly address his jealous behavior may be in vain. Some of the characteristics of toxic people include:
- Desire to control others
- Not respecting personal boundaries
- Selfish
- Must always be right
- Dishonest
- Inability to accept responsibility for his actions
- Tendency to act as if he is a victim
Step 2. Confront this toxic friend
If he's a toxic person, it's a good idea to take steps to confront the negative behavior to improve or end your friendship. When you confront their negative behavior:
- Let him know that you are doing this because you love him and want to be honest. "I care deeply about my friendship and well-being, so I have to tell the truth."
- Tell him clearly how you feel. “I feel _ when you _.”
- Ask him to stop this behavior. "Would you like to stop _ so that our friendship will be healthier?"
Step 3. Create clear boundaries
Boundaries can give structure and stability to toxic relationships. These limits are non-negotiable once they are set. Don't let your friends bully you so that these boundaries can change. You can start setting boundaries for your friendship by answering the following questions:
- When can your friends contact you?
- How can he contact you?
- Under what circumstances would you contact your friend?
- How do you contact him if you have to?
- Would you ignore him or reprimand him when you met him in public?
- Are you going to block it on social media?
- Is he allowed to maintain contact with your family?
Step 4. End this relationship and move on with your life
If he can honor the deal you made, now is the time to cut ties. Let him know that you can no longer continue this friendship. When confronting him, prepare a brief and clear explanation.
- It could be that your friend is urging you for more details or is trying to manipulate your words. If this happens, remind yourself that you don't have to justify the decisions you've made.
- Ending this relationship is a process. People who have a toxic personality find it difficult to respect the boundaries that have been set. Therefore, getting this person out of your life can be a long and strenuous process. Continue to be firm when you try to stay away from him.
