Irritability is a difficult trait to overcome. This habit usually signifies a person's lack of understanding of his own emotions as part of a strategy to change the behavior of 'others'. However, because we are all autonomous beings (only we can self-regulate), we can only change ourselves, including changing the way we perceive and react to the environment around us. Committing to changing yourself, rather than trying to force others to change is the right choice that requires humility and openness.
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Part 1 of 3: Understanding the Emotions Behind Feeling Offended
Step 1. Think of your role as the offended person
Often, being offended is a 'choice'. This means that our reactions to what is deemed offensive should be the focus of change. If you're not sure if you're really irritable, try taking this test for a quick answer.
- To what extent has that irritability shaped your personality? Do you often feel offended that you get very defensive? Do you find it difficult to trust others?
- Don't get caught up in the thought that you are a sensitive person, and feeling offended is a bad side of your personality. You may be very sensitive to outside influences – most people are too. However, sensitivity is not the same as taking to heart the actions or words of others.
Step 2. Ask yourself what you are actually responding to
Often, irritability is related to a person's many assumptions (both motivational and aggressive) that influence his or her perception of others. In fact, you might just think that other people are hating or insulting you, unless you feel that you are the most important person and everyone should pay attention to you. If so, think about where those assumptions come from.
- Observe your relationship with yourself. Egos that are easily hurt and arise from feelings of vulnerability and defensiveness usually mask underlying problems of insecurity and self-distrust. Do you feel insecure about your identity or uncomfortable with your skin condition? Do you feel that your feelings are often expressed in the form of offensive or disparaging comments?
- Just because you are experiencing very strong feelings, doesn't mean that the people around you are doing or being mean to you on purpose. In fact, people often don't know that other people around them are very sensitive, even when they want to intentionally hurt sensitive people.
Step 3. Question the influence that has arisen from the past
Another major trigger that makes a person irritable is seeing behavior or hearing words that remind him of a bad past experience. Sometimes we associate certain actions with feelings of hurt or discomfort that have arisen from those actions in the past. Even when someone does it without intending to hurt your feelings, just looking at it can make you become defensive and feel like a 'victim'.
- It's important to remember that while an action does carry a certain meaning in certain situations, it doesn't mean that it will always carry the same message or intent in different situations (or in the future).
- For example, let's say your school teacher used to scold you for wearing too short a skirt to school, which made you feel scared and embarrassed. Now, when a friend who-in a neutral tone or position-suggests you cover your short-sleeved shirt with a sweater, you feel offended and angry with him, even though you don't know exactly why you are angry.
Step 4. Identify the role of the views that you think are ideal
As humans, we all have basic emotional needs; connectedness to others, security, ability or feeling to be of benefit to others, and desire to be helped or served. Many people are fortunate to have been raised with the expectation that others will support those needs (as parents do). While expectations like these can make us feel safe and trust others, they can backfire on us and create unrealistic ideals of how others should treat us.
- This can be problematic, especially since the process of growth and development into adulthood involves increasing responsibility for one's own needs.
- Often, in problem solving like this, meeting emotional needs requires a better balance between one's own needs and those of others. Are you trying to manage your own emotional needs or are you expecting others to conform to what you think is ideal?
Step 5. Separate your feelings from the dictates of social norms
Sometimes, you will be easily offended when you 'discover' or are in a socially acceptable situation to be offended. For example, we know that chatting in the library is against the rules. Even if you're just casually reading a magazine in the library, having people chatting can grab your attention and offend you.
If someone says something offensive, ask yourself if you really feel offended because what that person said you thought was important. By ignoring or highlighting these harsh and careless words for no particular reason (simply because you feel the most correct or want to recognize what other people say), you will only torture yourself
Step 6. Write down the values you hold dear
At appropriate times, make notes of what has happened and keep a journal of your values to find out what issues you consider important. This way, you can better identify issues that deserve to be discussed and resolved, as well as issues that can be ignored and forgotten.
In addition, having a sense of personal values can help you to be less stressed when something goes against those values. By believing in upheld values, other people's opinions will be less important to you
Step 7. Talk to yourself
Quitting or changing a way of behaving that has become a habit is very difficult to do. However, talking to yourself through your feelings and seeing yourself as a stepping stone to seeing and trying other ways of thinking can be beneficial.
You can create and say little 'mantras' to yourself, such as "Everyone tries their best to show love and care" or "If everyone doesn't prioritize their own needs, who else will?"
Part 2 of 3: Practicing Your Self-Response So You Don't Feel Offended
Step 1. Stay calm
Wait a moment before you respond to someone who offended you. If you're too irritable, you're likely to respond automatically. This means that there is no time lag between the appearance of the offended feeling and the response you show when or as if you are hurt. So, wait a moment and ask if you want to take the other person's actions or words to heart.
- If the emotion is too fast to hold, try to count to ten in your head.
- Studying and doing mindfulness exercises regularly can make it easier to get past this step. Mindfulness exercises include learning about strategic ways to let go of strong emotions so you can show more targeted responses.
- One mindfulness exercise you can do is to take time to focus on your breath. When you feel the sensation of inhaling and exhaling, you will gain a stronger connection with your feelings rather than the distracting thoughts that automatically arise.
Step 2. Identify things that have the potential to offend you so you can ignore them and forget about them
When stopping your usual responses (e.g. immediately feeling offended), there's no point in trying to ignore and shake off any negative thoughts that arise. Instead of ignoring the existing thoughts, try to listen to them. This way you can determine if you need to be offended and show it or not.
- If someone tells you that your hairstyle or haircut doesn't seem right, you might think “He's wrong! He doesn't understand anything!" Listen to this anger and feel the urge to respond with anger. This way, you'll know (at least) one of the many possible ways you can respond to the annoying thing.
- In addition, it is important that you know how much anger you feel so that you can measure or account for your next steps or response. For example, if you're feeling angry, don't respond to the source of your anger (e.g. the other person) with a joke because in your emotional state at the time, what you said might not be considered a joke at all.
Step 3. Refrain from being prejudiced against others
Belief in your own interpretation of someone's intentions or intentions can actually lead you to view anything as offensive. Try to imagine a great work of art; her beauty comes from many different interpretations. No interpretation is completely correct, but each interpretation has the power to make us feel different.
- Imagine a situation where someone tells you they want to stay home (or don't want to go anywhere) instead of accepting your invitation to go to an event. You may be tempted to assume that the person declined the invitation because he or she thinks you made the wrong choice about which event to attend.
- To contain your prejudices requires an open mind and a willingness to ask "Is there something I'm not considering right now?"
Step 4. Look for other intentions or promptings that other people might indicate
This can be a useful exercise to remind yourself that although you may see and experience things differently from other people, they are not always directed at you.
- You may not be able to figure out the exact reason someone did something, and that's okay. What's important is that you begin to put yourself in the shoes of the other person (whom you find offensive) so that you realize that being too irritable will hurt everyone involved.
- If someone refuses your invitation to leave, there are many reasons why they might not want to leave the house. Maybe he just got some bad news and then feels pressured and too shy to explain, or maybe he just wants to enjoy his time alone (this has nothing to do with you, of course).
Step 5. Be aware of your energy level
When we are anxious and full of energy, we tend to be unable to forgive minor insults or things that are less offensive. This happens because we are looking for new things to 'attack' or spy on. Why does this happen? Yes, because we can do it! Therefore, don't let your irritability and ingratiation take over and drain you of energy that, in fact, could be used for better things, such as admiring the different ways people express their opinions.
Step 6. Reply to words or actions that you find offensive in a polite and 'classy' way
You can respond to someone's offensive words or actions in a variety of different ways. Below are some of the ways you can do this:
- Change the subject. Stop the topic or issue being discussed and find a new topic. This can be a good option if you feel that by trying to resolve the issue or further discussing the topic, you will feel more offended.
- Try to show your sense of humor. Even if you find it hard to laugh because you're offended, try to show a sense of humor to bring your emotional state back into balance.
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Ask for clarification calmly. If you hear a comment that you find offensive or rude, try asking the other person to clarify what he or she is saying. It's possible that he misunderstood what he really wanted to say, or that you didn't hear him properly.
Say something, for example, "Sorry, I don't think I understand what you're saying. Can you put that back in a different way?”
Step 7. Consider the consequences of your actions
Before you show a reaction or response, think about the consequences of your action. Remember that one of the consequences of taking another person's actions or words is that people will start to feel scared when you're with you or nervous about talking about their thoughts or feelings. What's more, you are holding yourself back in situations with increased tension and anxiety. Such situations are harmful to your body, even if you feel or gain the 'benefit' or good side of taking the words or actions of others to heart.
Another consequence is that you shut yourself off and can't hear from new things that might be useful or exciting
Step 8. Have a positive conversation with yourself
Try changing negative thoughts with self-reinforcement and a positive outlook on whatever situation you're facing. Allowing unsubstantiated negative thoughts to build up in your mind often causes you to be offensive.
This means that you should let and ignore the situation that provoked you to feel offended. Drowning in negative feelings is tantamount to planting sadness. Remember that your time is valuable and you don't need to spend it reliving uncomfortable moments
Part 3 of 3: Learning from the Past to Lead the Future
Step 1. Reflect on past situations
To build an understanding of situations that tend to offend you, try writing down some of the unpleasant events that you remember most. Record 3 or 4 events in as much detail as possible.
- Encourage yourself to think deeply about the events, how you expressed your feelings and why you were offended. Don't assume that there is no explanation for what was offensive (or that it was clearly offensive). Write down why you feel offended, and not why other people feel offended by the same thing.
- After that, write about these events as if you were a journalist reporting an incident. Instead of writing down how you feel, try to write from the point of view of someone else who wasn't involved in the incident.
Step 2. Look for patterns in your notes
Did you learn anything from these situations? Does certain treatment you receive often make you feel angry all the time? Look for deeper reasons that explain why you feel offended.
- For example, let's say you get offended when someone explains something you already know. Maybe you are offended that the person is not aware of your knowledge and your ego is hurt. Now, can you reasonably expect that the person is going to great lengths to find out what you know and what you don't?
- These patterns are triggers for irritability. When such a situation occurs in the future, you need to know that you need to try to show a different response to the situation.
Step 3. Examine the thoughts that justify being offended
Generally we justify our actions and views with thoughts that rationalize those actions or views. What thoughts may or may not allow you to be offended? What makes you feel that being offended is the right response?
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Maybe you're offended that someone came to your housewarming party without a present. Thoughts that justify your being offended may include views such as:
- “Giving gifts is the only way to show hospitality.”
- “That person should prioritize gifts for me, regardless of his other financial obligations.”
- “I need to get evidence from other people so I know that I am loved and supported.”
Step 4. Choose to think about yourself instead of the person who offended you
When you feel offended, you can choose to try to get the other person to adjust their attitude or try to change and correct your own reaction. Trying to change other people's attitudes is difficult because people are always changing (changes in one person are surprising-and of course there are lots of people in this world). What's more, trying to change other people's behavior makes you more likely to control other people. This is of course related to ethical issues.
When you try to change your reactions, you are actually developing a more flexible personality and mindset and trying to be a cheerful person who can handle situations with ease. Taking a difficult step like this is not only nobler, but also more beneficial for your ability to live your daily life
Tips
- When you feel offended, remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: "No one can humble yourself unless you let someone else do it."
- Don't be afraid to love yourself. There is an African proverb that says "If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside cannot harm us." If you love yourself (including your flaws), you have succeeded in building a stronghold of yourself that no one can penetrate.
