If you meet someone you like, or even really like, you may feel like you're looking at the stars and feeling butterflies in your stomach. You're starting to consider taking your relationship with this person to the next level, but of course you want things to go smoothly. The more intense your feelings for someone, the more likely you are to feel nervous and anxious when you do or say the wrong thing. Taking the first step can be difficult, but whether it's a boy or a girl, you can make the jump successfully.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Setting Up the Foundation of the Relationship
Step 1. Pay attention to body language cues
It may be a cliché but it's true: actions mean more than words. Only 7% of the daily communication we use is verbal. 55% of our communication comes from body language. Before you start taking any steps, look for body language cues like prolonged eye contact and positive facial expressions to help you know if you're going to get a positive response.
- Women may expose certain areas of the body such as the neck or wrists, and may play with their hair. He may touch or lean on you, or he may be facing you with his arms open and not crossed.
- Men may show clearer and bolder signals. These include placing your hands on the back of your chair, making strong eye contact, and sitting or leaning close to you.
Step 2. Communicate with your body language
Make sure you send the right signal as well as receive it. Your body language will give him a hint that you are interested.
- Smiling is a strong indicator that someone is interested. Make sure you smile too to convey your interest in him.
- You may notice that you are 'copying', that is, consciously copying the actions of this person. When someone smiles at you, you're more likely to smile back. Teasing each other is a way of imitating each other's actions. Try to see if you're on the same wavelength by doing one stunt. If he imitates you, great. If not, replicate the action again to form a bond.
Step 3. Engage in interesting conversations
While there are physical ways to flirt, talking and chatting can also be a great way to get to know someone and maybe take your relationship to the next level. Demonstrating good listening and communication skills indicates confidence, one of the most attractive qualities in a person. While men are more motivated by actions, women tend to value meaningful words from their partners. Regardless of whether a person is a man or a woman, most people value a good one-on-one chat. Some general tips for creating good conversations include:
Step 4. Ask interesting questions
When talking to loved ones, avoid observations about the weather, or questions that can be answered in one word (and result in awkward silences).
- Open-ended questions about recent events, your personal background, shared interests and hobbies, can move the conversation in the right direction.
- Questions like, "What book are you reading right now? Did you watch a good movie recently? What's your favorite part of the city/area/neighborhood you live in now?" is a great way to keep the conversation going.
- Continue with questions like, "What was your favorite character in the book? What did you think of the ending of the film? Why did you like that part of the city so much?" shows that you pay attention to your partner's answers and react to them with interest.
Step 5. Be honest and forthright
While kind words and jokes can make for a pleasant conversation, honesty also works well. This doesn't mean you have to spill all the details about your personal life in one conversation, but talking directly and frankly about what you're looking for in a partner, your outlook on life, etc., illustrates self-confidence and self-knowledge. This will also allow your partner to understand where you are coming from, and feel comfortable sharing their views as well.
Step 6. Be positive
Positive speaking helps you maintain a light tone of voice, an interested posture, and a bright facial expression. Negative talk will make you appear cautious, and it can smother interest. When you want to talk about something negative, play it in a positive and humorous way. You want to share and be honest, but you need to keep things light and fun at this early stage.
Step 7. Create a romantic background
Plan a romantic date, well in advance, in an intimate and private place. Maybe instead of going to a movie or eating out, you can cook dinner at your apartment or invite her out for drinks. The idea is to create an atmosphere that is safe and comfortable but still feels spontaneous and romantic.
Step 8. Stay relaxed
If a romantic setting isn't the right move for you or your crush, try something more casual.
- Give him your number. You can do this in a subtle way. Recommend your favorite movie or book, then say, "I'll give you my number so you can tell me what you think!"
- Send casual messages on social media. Comment on her photos on Instagram, send her a Facebook message, or send her a tweet. You can always use his latest news to start a conversation, and then open up the opportunity to casually ask him out.
Part 2 of 2: Taking the Best First Step
Step 1. Suggest to meet
Taking the first step doesn't have to be with the question, "Would you like to date me?" If you both love pizza, suggest going to your favorite place on the weekends. If he likes movies, tell him that you both need to see each other as soon as possible. If he expresses an interest, make sure you turn that attraction into a concrete plan. For example, instead of simply replying, “Yeah, we should watch it sometime,” you should say, “Casablanca is in theaters tomorrow Thursday at 7pm, would you like to see it?”
Step 2. Follow up after you've spent time together
If you've already gone out to dinner or a movie, send her a text to let her know you're having fun. This shows that you are still interested.
Consider mentioning one specific thing that happened during the date, such as a joke or the food the two of you ate. It can open lines of communication between the two of you
Step 3. Be honest and ask her out
Sometimes a direct approach is best. If he's signaling mutual interest, then be honest and ask him out.
Don't be pushy or aggressive. You can be frank but still relaxed. If you seem pushy, he may be afraid
Step 4. Ask her out in a group
If you are still shy, you can ask him out in a group. This could be dinner, a pub game, a sporting event, or a party. This setting can give you the opportunity to talk and spend time together, but without too much pressure.
Step 5. Seek approval before you make any physical movements
This consent does not require verbal confirmation. Your partner will usually use physical cues to show that he or she is willing to continue. Everyone's response will be different, but body language like touching your face and other parts of your body usually means you can move on. Pay attention to your partner's reactions, and adjust your actions accordingly.
- You both have to give both verbal and physical consent to the first move. It doesn't matter what he said or did before; agreement is always about the right moment.
- You both need to be in a state that allows for cohesive decision making: meaning that you both need to be aware, especially if this is your first time being physically involved.
Step 6. Start with a kiss and work your way up
Just like asking someone out, it takes guts to get a kiss from someone for the first time! You should be relaxed and confident but not overly aggressive. Maintain eye contact, lean in and stop when your faces are close before continuing to make sure that your partner is also interested in the kiss. From kissing, slowly move on to something more physical.
Step 7. Go slow when making the first physical movement
So you've started kissing, but you want a little more than that. Just take it slow so you can make sure he wants the same thing. Light touch and close body contact will not only make your intentions clearer, but can also give you answers about your partner's attraction.
- Make sure you proceed slowly to give him a chance to say no. You want to have fun, be consensual, and not be in a rush. This includes making him feel comfortable. If he's not ready to go as far as you want him to, respect his will.
- Make sure you have protection. This seems unnecessary, but if you're planning your first move, always carry a condom with you (regardless of whether you're a man or a woman). Part of enjoying each other's company is making sure that you're both safe and comfortable, so always use protection.
Tips
- There is debate about who should take the first step, the woman or the man. Although women and men express their attraction to someone in different ways, there is no agreement on who should move first. The tips above apply to both men and women.
- If at one point your partner says stop or slow down, always make sure you stop or slow down. Remember, no means no.
- Make sure both of you are able to make competent decisions about consent: avoid drugs or alcohol before moving on to physical intercourse.
