Parents have a lifelong impact on who we are and the decisions we make. They provide support when we need it and love that never fades even if we don't live life to our potential. It is not easy, and all children owe gratitude and respect to good parents. Being the “perfect” child is one way, and that means being the perfect daughter for the parents to raise, and respecting the values they live by and make them happy.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Becoming the “Perfect” Daughter
Step 1. Stay realistic
No one is perfect, but as the American writer John Steinbeck said, “Because you don't have to be perfect, you can be a good person.” Remember that even Olympic gold medalists had to drop points in their score (but win anyway), and Albert Einstein made (but learned from) mistakes and imperfect solutions. Never let “perfection” eat away at your self-esteem and undermine all of your wonderful and valuable (but sadly imperfect) abilities.
- Efforts to achieve absolute "perfection" are actually not productive because they will reduce the achievements or achievements that have been achieved just because there are still some shortcomings in these successes.
- Perfectionism is also closely related to depression, problematic relationships, and low satisfaction with life.
Step 2. Ask first
If you're not sure if your parents will be upset if you do something, ask. If you're hesitant to ask, it may be a sign that your parents won't agree.
- When asking, make sure you have thought about the consequences of the action and guess why the parents object.
- Do not be angry. Even if they seem defiant, remember to stay calm, provide facts and examples that illustrate why you should do it and that you can handle whatever the consequences may be.
- If your parents say no, respect their decision even if it doesn't go the way you want, especially if you still live with them.
Step 3. Work on your responsibilities
Tension will be created when you have promised to do something, but have to be told again and again.
- Tell me when you can do it. For example, “Mom, I have to finish an assignment before I have time to do it, but when it's done, I'll do it right away.” Then, clear up all your responsibilities before being asked to do it again.
- Estimate what parents need, and do it. Do you know when the trash is picked up? Are they expecting guests on the weekends? If so, take out the trash, clean your room and other spaces without prompting.
Step 4. Respect them
You may initially disagree with your parents, but remember that they only want what's best for you.
- They have more life experience than you, and know a lot of things that people as young as you can't.
- Trust that they care about you, and don't argue. Disputing your parents usually only creates arguments and is pointless if you want to be a respectful and trustworthy child.
Step 5. Take care of yourself
Respect yourself by taking care of your body and taking care of your health. Your parents love you and they will rest easy when they see you healthy and well cared for.
- Make sure you are always clean and fresh. Take a shower every day. At the very least, wipe off sweat and dust with a soapy washcloth. Wash your hair every 1-3 days.
- Put on clean clothes and comb your hair. Iron the clothes that need ironing. Wear a belt, especially if your pants are loose. Style your hair so it doesn't cover your face.
- Eat healthy food regularly. Traditionally, the recommended meal schedule is three times a day. However, nutritionists recommend that 5-6 small meals are actually healthier and support blood sugar balance. Whatever schedule you choose, make sure you eat enough to stay healthy.
- Sleep on time. Teenagers ages 14 to 17 need 8–10 hours of sleep a night. Adults over 18 years need 7–9 hours of sleep.
Step 6. Accept help
Even though we want to show success and ability, there are times when we need help to reach our goals.
- Don't be too proud or selfish to accept help from your parents, even if it's only in the form of advice.
- When you receive help, you should be humble and grateful for their contribution.
Step 7. Be patient with them
When we are young, the world is ours and we let ambition guide our steps. However, think about how difficult it is for parents to adjust to the rapid changes we are going through.
- When you get married, get a job, or move to a new place, your parents realize they are getting old or feel lonely, and miss the time you were always home with them.
- Help them adjust to your development. Take time to chat and let them ask questions. Help them understand, but don't be upset if they can never understand. Remember that accepting and believing is as important as understanding.
Step 8. Be yourself
It means being confident, happy, constantly learning, and growing. Nothing makes parents happier than seeing their children live independent and successful lives. By being yourself, you are actualizing the person they raise. However, sometimes being yourself at first will create tension with them.
- For example, if they want you to go to church, but you're not religious, let them know that you don't want to go. If you must come, think of ways you can stay true to your own values. For example, there are some resources, such as the Skeptics Bible, that provide topics to talk about to get people to think about contradictions and inconsistencies in Bible verses.
- Are you hesitant to reveal sexual tendencies to your parents? Even though sexuality is an important part of who you are and should be accepted, you may not want to talk about it if you're still living with them. If you are living separately and still have common doubts, consider talking to a therapist to find out the best options for revealing the truth.
Step 9. Live a happy life
Parents want nothing more than that their daughter live a safe and happy life. However, sometimes it means they want to be a part of it and offer to help contribute to that happiness. They also want to be involved in your life with your partner, help raise grandchildren, and watch your family grow.
Step 10. Respond to their help by doing good in return
Take advantage of the benefits, kindness, support, and generosity that parents provide, and give the same to others, such as your own children, spouse, friends, and other family members.
- Offer to be the “Big Brother” who offers support and guidance to young women at risk.
- When you take advantage of your strengths to help others, it means that you appreciate and are grateful for the upbringing of your parents.
Part 2 of 3: Becoming the “Perfect” Daughter-in-law
Step 1. Balance individuality and immediacy
As the family grows and gets new members, there are some adjustments needed, especially for newcomers. Remember that your husband loves you for who you are and you don't have to be someone else. At the same time, look for opportunities to form connections with his family.
Step 2. Open yourself up to new family relationships
Although every family has different ways, many accept new members by immediately treating them like siblings or their own children.
- If you're an only child, think of living with a sibling like living with a best friend for a long time. Everyone tries to fit in, enjoy each other's company, and take care of each other, with lots of compromises.
- Accept that being with a new sibling means there will be hugs, jokes, and maybe flirting, but it's all based on love and acceptance. Reply to their treatment whenever possible.
Step 3. Take some time for yourself
If you are newly married, make sure you plan at least an hour a day for yourself.
- You can say, "I'm going to take a nap," then rest for a few minutes, reflect on everything that happened that day, and release any stress that may have built up.
- You can also ask your husband to accompany you, especially if something is confusing and you want to ask.
- Over time, as you and your husband's family become closer, this quiet moment may no longer be needed.
Step 4. Always try to be honest
The special relationship between parents and biological children allows for honesty that no other relationship can match. Even though your husband can say anything to his parents, remember that they are new to you, and you must be wise to keep the peace.
Never lie to your husband's family, but remember to be honest and respectful
Step 5. Create boundaries
When a relationship with a new husband's family is formed, we usually want them to like us. However, while compromise is essential, you also shouldn't sacrifice all personal comforts for the sake of someone else.
- For example, did your in-laws ask you to go back to their place while you and your husband want to stay at home? Tell them in a polite and firm way that both of you would be happy to visit at another time, but this year you won't be able to go home for Eid there.
- At first they may be disappointed, but in the long run, they will understand and respect you and your husband.
Step 6. Cultivate that differences of opinion are legal
Sometimes you can't agree with your husband's family. Differences of opinion are not a sign of relationship failure or incompatibility. Instead, think of it as a challenge to love and tolerate differences.
- For example, do your in-laws hold different political views from yours? If a family member asks, say, “I've never been comfortable talking about politics. Can I just listen?"
- If forced, remind them that you respect their beliefs and feelings, love them, and hope that they can respect yours too.
Step 7. Be open to change
Compromise is the key to maintaining family relationships. It might mean accepting that your husband's family has different traditions, or that Aunt Mirna always makes meatballs for special occasions (even though you always make them too).
- While you shouldn't give up all the habits and rituals that bring joy and meaning to your life, you may have to adjust how and when to implement your own traditions. For example, if Aunt Mirna always makes meatballs, ask your husband what dish you can make.
- Another example of a compromise is celebrating Christmas with a Christmas tree and a cake for Santa at home, but still celebrating Eid with ketupat and going home to in-laws.
Step 8. Show empathy
The presence of a new family member is fun, but it also creates a certain pressure.
- Your presence as a daughter-in-law reminds parents-in-law of their advanced age, or that their children or siblings (for in-laws) live far away, or that time for gatherings is limited, and all of these give rise to various feelings.
- Don't let yourself be belittled, but you also have to understand what happens in a family when you get a new addition. Always try to be positive before succumbing to irritation or anger.
Part 3 of 3: Creating Positive Interactions with Parents
Step 1. Be aware of your surroundings
Think about your personal life, as well as your relationship with your family, including your parents. What aspects can be made to be more comfortable, productive, or enjoyable? Here are some sensitivity exercises that can help you become a better girl:
- Try to complete all tasks as well as possible. If a task is done without a commitment to success or improvement, you are not showing concern for the people affected by your work. Instead, show love, care, and appreciation by trying to do all the work well and achieve above-average results. Give your parents a chance to be proud of your accomplishments.
- Find new ways to make positive change. You could do something simple, like plant flowers in your parents' garden, or make a big change like ask your supervisor for a promotion. By working to make yourself or a loved one happy, you show a commitment to being better.
Step 2. Don't forget to communicate
If communication is not smooth, it is difficult to contact each other when one needs help or support. Therefore, try to contact your parents as often as is convenient for both parties.
- For young people who are just adults, contacting parents can be done via text messages or chat at the dinner table. For children who are adults and living independently, try texting and/or calling their parents a few times a week. Messages don't always have to be important because you can ask mom how she's doing after seeing her favorite flower, or tell a funny story from work.
- Contact them first. Don't always wait for a call or a message. Take time to chat with your parents. Or, if you live separately, invite them to visit. By showing that you remember their importance, the bond will be stronger and they will also be calmer.
Step 3. Listen to them carefully
When parents tell us to listen, it means more than nodding when they talk. Show that you are not only listening, but also learning and listening to what they have to say. Listening is not only a sign of respect, but also makes sure you remember and can act on their advice. Here are some tactics for active listening:
- Restate the information they provide as a sign that you're paying attention, as well as a way to clarify anything that wasn't clear.
- Give a gentle "nudge" by nodding your head, saying "hmm" or "so" to get parents to continue talking and developing their ideas.
- Summarize their description in your own words before they end the conversation or before you ask a question. Summaries help you remember what they said and also allow parents to correct them, for example by saying, "That part is not quite right, I'll explain again."
- Give feedback. If there's an idea that you think is good, say, "I agree it's good, because …" If you're not sure about another part, say, "I'm not sure about that part. Can you explain again?" That way, you and your parents can collaborate and even break down information. Depending on the situation, parents may accept alternative suggestions or ideas.
- Get more information. When in doubt, ask questions that provoke explanations, make distinctions, or clarify information. Make sure you fully understand what is being said and how it will impact your behavior.
- Admit that their help was very helpful. Remind parents that you appreciate those who have taken the time to provide guidance and instruction. Hug them or send them a thank you card. Always show them gratitude and appreciation.
Step 4. Enjoy the moment
Even if it's tempting to remind them of their past mistakes, resist the urge to talk about the past, unless it's important to your safety or health.
- I'm sorry. Sorry is not a license to act as you wish, nor does it mean that the wrongdoing has no effect or can be ignored. By forgiving, it means that you are willing to look forward and continue to love even though your parents made mistakes. Sorry means accepting that parents are human, just like you, who are imperfect.
- Resolve disputes as soon as possible. The longer the dispute is left, the greater the anger felt and the more difficult it is to fix. In addition, if we do not resolve problems with those closest to us, a pattern of behavior will emerge that will continue in other relationships in the future, including with our own children. Therefore, disputes or rifts in relationships must be repaired immediately, and all parties must strive to develop the ability to resolve conflicts so that they can become better people, children, and fathers or mothers.
