Adoption is common in many countries and some families prefer not to discuss the adoption agreement openly with their adopted child. You may have your own suspicions about the possibility of you being adopted. There is something you can do to investigate the question. Asking directly to your family is certainly the best way. But the problem is: how do you ask that question without sounding accusatory or hurting their feelings? Will this make them angry? It's impossible to predict the family's reaction when you bring up the topic of adoption, but expressing your loyalty and love for them using clear, non-accusatory communication can help smooth the process.
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Method 1 of 3: Talking About Adoption With Your Family
Step 1. Understand that your feelings are normal
Wanting to know where you come from is not a sign of disloyalty to your family, even if they are biological or adoptive. It is natural for adopted children to want to understand their personal history, and research shows that this knowledge can improve a person's health.
Step 2. Explore why this is important to you
Was there an incident or experience that prompted you to ask these questions? Do you always feel different from the rest of your family?
It's natural that as you get older, you feel disconnected from your parents, or feel that sometimes you have nothing in common with them. It's also natural to feel like you're different or an outsider during your teenage years. This feeling can be strong in adopted children, but in fact almost everyone has experienced it at some point in their life
Step 3. Ask yourself what you want
Are you just curious about your adoption or biological child? Or do you want to know the whole story about your adoption? Are you looking for biological parents? Would you like to contact biological siblings, or just want to know who they are? Understanding what you want out of a situation can help to talk to your family.
Step 4. Understand that adoption is often stigmatized
While the number of “open” adoptions (adoptions with a degree of openness between the family of origin and adoptive family) has increased dramatically in recent years, many people still feel uncomfortable talking about adoption with their children or with other people. Even if your family wants to talk to you about this, they may not know how.
Stigma is usually present if adoption occurs in certain situations, for example because teenage mothers give up their children because they are unable to take care of or intra-family adoptions
Step 5. Approach your parents with questions
This is an obvious step, but it can be very difficult. Be considerate of your parents' feelings when you ask your questions, but be open to them about your own as well.
It may be best to approach your parents first if they are still alive, before talking to the rest of the family. Many family members are more likely to respect your parents' requests and feel uncomfortable sharing information with you if you haven't spoken to your parents first
Step 6. Choose an appropriate time for your conversation
If you've already gathered information, you may feel impatient to ask questions. But wait until the right moment. Avoid this sensitive topic after an argument, for example, or when you or your parents are sick or weak. Ideally, everyone should feel calm and relaxed.
Step 7. Create a “cheat sheet
“Adoption is a sensitive subject and can provoke everyone's emotional reactions. Writing down some of your questions and ideas before starting a conversation can help determine what to say and how to say it. It can also help prevent hurting other people's feelings.
Step 8. Start by telling your family that you love them and have a few questions
Some parents do not discuss adoption with their children because they fear that their interest in their child's biological family could damage their own family. Being open by emphasizing your love for your parents can help prevent feelings of being defensive or being attacked.
Step 9. Be honest with your family
Explain to your parents what makes you think you have been adopted. Try to avoid using definitive accusations or statements such as “I know I was adopted because my eyes are blue.”
Step 10. Start with general questions
Understand that this discussion can be very difficult for your parents, especially if they have waited long enough to share this information with you. Emphasizing too much information too quickly can overwhelm them.
Try to ask questions to create discussion, such as "Can you tell me where exactly I am from?"
Step 11. Keep your questions and statements open and non-judgmental
Questions like “Would you like to talk to me about where I come from?” could produce a better reaction than “Why wasn't I notified that I was adopted?”
Try to avoid words like "authentic" when asking about your origins. Questions like “Who are my real parents?” can make your adoptive parents feel unappreciated or hurt
Step 12. Avoid guesswork as much as possible
It's natural to feel confused or hurt when you discover that you've been adopted, especially if your parents have kept that information for a long time. However, it is very important to avoid prejudice or anger towards your parents, as this will prevent clear and honest communication between you and your parents.
Step 13. Maintain your relationship with the host family
There is no need to repeat to the host family that you appreciate them. Talk about an example or two of the things that make you connect with them. This can help the host family know that you are not looking to replace them.
Many adopted children feel that their personal values, sense of humor, and purpose in life are shaped by their adoptive parents, so this can be a good place to start
Step 14. Read the situation
Conversations about adoption can be very intense, and you may not get everything you want to know quickly. If your parents seem uncomfortable or are becoming sad, try saying something like “I know this question can make you sad. Do you want us to talk about this another time?”
Don't assume that silence means your family won't talk about your adoption. They may only need a few minutes to think in approaching the discourse
Step 15. Be patient
If your family has been keeping information about your adoption, even if only for a few years, it can be very difficult for them to shake off their fears and worries to discuss it. It may take several conversations before you get to the point where you can learn what you want to know.
Step 16. Consider seeing a family therapist
Many therapists are specially trained to help adoptive families deal with issues and challenges in adoption situations, and seeing a therapist doesn't mean your family is breaking up. A family therapist can help your family talk about adoption in a good and healthy way.
Step 17. Talk to other family members
You can ask other family members about your adoption and your relationship with them using the same technique above. You can even find a deeper emotional connection with them when you know the whole story.
Method 2 of 3: Investigate Yourself
Step 1. Study of genetic traits and recessive and dominant genes
Genetic traits determine many aspects of your appearance, such as hair color and texture, eye color, facial freckles, height and posture. Discuss these differences with your parents.
- Consider that intra-family adoption may mean you have a physical similarity with the rest of the family. You may be adopted from other family members such as aunts or cousins who are unable to take care of you.
- Your genetic traits can also help determine your risk for certain diseases or medical conditions, although your environment (health insurance, diet, fitness, etc.) does. Knowing your personal history can help you and your doctor make well-informed health choices.
- Although “race” is not considered a biological construct by most scientists, people with similar genetic backgrounds usually have the same level of risk in terms of medical conditions. For example, individuals of African and Mediterranean descent have a higher risk of developing sickle cell disease than others, and people of European descent are more susceptible to cystic fibrosis than Asians. It is important to know whether you should pay special attention to minimizing any potential risks you may have.
Step 2. Understand common myths about genetic traits
While your genes determine a lot about you, from hair color to blood type, there are many misconceptions about how genetics determines your physical appearance. Understanding these misconceptions will help you draw more accurate conclusions about yourself.
- Eye color is not determined by a single gene, and there are approximately nine categories of eye color. A pair of blue-eyed parents can have brown-eyed children, and vice versa. Although brown-eyed babies born to blue-eyed parents are quite rare, it is very likely to happen. Eye color can also change, especially in toddlers: most babies born with blue eyes change to different eye colors as they develop, so what's the assessment? even based on eye color can not be held if made before the child's eye color has developed.
- Ears “connected” and “separated” are two things that can happen in a long continuum. Although there is a familial influence in the type of earlobe, it is not a definite genetic marker.
- The ability to “roll” your tongue is linked to genetic inheritance, but can vary within a family. Even some twins have different tongue rolling abilities! This is not a definitive genetic inheritance.
- Left-handedness usually runs in families, but it's not certain. In fact, some identical twins can have different dominant hands! Which hand is dominant is mostly due to your genetic and environmental variables rather than a combination of genes.
Step 3. Watch the conversations that take place within your extended family
While spying or eavesdropping is a bad idea, you can learn something about your origins by listening to how your family talks about memories, such as your childhood memories.
Step 4. Look at your family notes and photos
If you have a feeling you're being adopted, look through family photo albums and documents to see pictures of what you were like and when they were taken. Documents concerning medical records can also be a clue.
Step 5. Check your birth certificate
If you have a clue where you were born, you can send a letter to a specific government office asking for a copy of your birth certificate, such as the Population and Civil Registration Service. There are many places that have adoption lists that you can search for.
- For example, the United States Centers for Disease Prevention and Control maintains a database of vital records in all American states and territories; if you were born outside the United States, you may need to find a government office with these “vital records” or similar.
- All states in the United States maintain state records of births, deaths, and marriages. They are usually kept at the office of the State Secretariat or Department of Health in your state. Many online databases also keep these records, although they can ask you to pay.
Step 6. Understand that public records research can be frustrating and incomplete
The information you find will only be good if your initial information is also good. If your birth parents' names, etc. turn out to be wrong, you will go through a long and difficult process. Data errors often occur.
Method 3 of 3: Getting Help from Outside the Family
Step 1. Talk to adopted friends
You may also know others who were adopted. Talking to them can help you figure out how they were adopted and what they did afterward. Friends can give you advice on how to ask your family.
Step 2. Call a family friend or neighbor
Because of social media, it's now very easy to contact people from the past even if they can't visit your hometown in person. But you must understand that people can feel uncomfortable when discussing their knowledge of your family. Explain to them why you want to know, but don't pressure them for information they seem reluctant to share.
Step 3. Join an adoption support group in your area
Many people go through the adoption disclosure process and deal with that information every year. Support groups of other adopted children can provide you with your own research advice and resources, as well as help with dealing with the process emotionally.
Step 4. Do a DNA test
DNA sampling can track genetic markers and compare them with other family members. You can visit a genetic specialist, or you can use test papers such as the “Family Finder” test. However, for this option, you must obtain the consent of a close relative (parent, sibling or direct cousin) to be tested as well as a point of comparison.
If you buy a DNA test online, be sure to get it from a reputable provider. The three best providers of online DNA testing are Ancestry.com, 23 and me, and FamilyTreeDNA. These companies often maintain large databases of other individuals who have performed these tests and can compare your DNA with theirs
Step 5. Understand how DNA testing works
A DNA test can provide clues about your genetic identity, but is often of limited effectiveness if the comparison pool is not wide enough. If you do a DNA test without the participation of other family members, the information may be less useful.
- There are 3 basic types of DNA testing: "mitochondrial" (inherited from the mother's DNA). "Y-line" (inherited from the father's DNA, but only applies to males), and "autosomal" (relations are passed on to others such as cousins). An autosomal DNA test may be the best option for an adopted child, as it can link your genetics to a wider network of people.
- A DNA test that can determine whether you are biologically connected to your immediate family, usually via mitochondrial DNA. But it's unlikely the test will link you to another family if your genetics doesn't match your own.
Step 6. Register yourself with a trusted Adoption Reunion Registration
The International Soundex Reunion Registry and Adoption.com are both reputable, and reliable for individuals seeking to meet their biological family.
Step 7. Contact a private investigator who specializes in adoption cases
This option can be expensive, so it's usually a last resort when you know for sure you're adopted but can't find your birth parents or information about them. Look for investigators in your city as they may already be familiar with the city's archival records.
Tips
- Talk to your family while they are there to talk to you. When they age and die, their stories and knowledge will go with them. Make those family connections while you can.
- Avoid showing anger or accusations to your host family. While such feelings are natural, they can hinder important communication. A therapist or counselor can help you through the process and communicate your feelings in a kind way.
- Laws regarding contact between adopted children and their biological families vary. Make sure you know your rights and legal restrictions regarding finding your biological family.
- Try making a list of facial expressions or, take a family photo or look at their past photos when you look at your picture.
