At least one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Therefore, it is very likely that you will have to deal with this situation more than once in your life especially if there are many women around you. Unfortunately, dealing with situations like this is more complicated than you might think. Many well-meaning people end up saying something they shouldn't. By learning more about these situations and how to deal with them, you can avoid making mistakes that could make things worse.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Do's and Don'ts
Step 1. Express that you also feel the loss for what they are going through
Many people don't know how to act when their loved one goes through a big loss like this. Feeling that you might be better off saying nothing is common either because you find what happened too painful or because you're afraid to say something you shouldn't. However, saying nothing can hurt more than saying the wrong thing. Express that you are also missing out on what happened, even if you only said it briefly. This will be very helpful and can even make those who experience loss feel less alone.
All you have to do is say something like, "I've heard the hurtful news you're going through. I'm feeling the loss too. Please don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
Step 2. Admit when you really don't know how to respond to what's happening
Many people don't know what to say in a very serious situation like this. Admit that you don't know what to do in a way that can help your friend. When you do this, you show that you are human too and let them know that you are not avoiding them because they have been tainted or because you think they have done something wrong. It also shows that you really care about how they feel and don't want them to get hurt any more.
You could say something like, "I really don't know what to say to make things better. I'm not very good at this sort of thing. However, I hope you know that I share how you feel."
Step 3. Ask him what he needs
The best way to start entertaining your friend is simply to ask what you can do for them. He may not want to be comforted, but there may be something else you can do to help him. At that time, he is the one who knows best what he needs from you.
It's important that you do what he asks when you ask what you can do. If you don't keep your own word, it can have a huge negative impact on your relationship
Step 4. Don't expect everyone to react the same way
You may find a friend who is not so sad about their loss. You may also find friends who express their grief openly and clearly. Your friend may start to act very differently, such as being eager to go out all the time. On the other hand, your friend may want to be alone and cut off all contact. These are all normal reactions to their grief. Even if you've had a miscarriage, you can't expect your friend to grieve the same way you do.
For example, say you have a friend who went through a similar experience and he or she commemorates the day of the loss. However, this doesn't mean that your other friend who just had a miscarriage wants to do the same. Also, you shouldn't say things like "This is what's best for you" or "You'll feel better."
Step 5. Don't limit the time to grieve
You may feel like your friend is grieving too long for a short pregnancy. No matter how short the pregnancy is, the sadness they feel can be very strong especially if they are very much expecting or very excited about the pregnancy. Everyone grieves in different ways and even if you now feel like you've forgotten what happened to you, you can't assume that your friend has been grieving for too long to get back to normal.
Even having another child can't always erase the loss of a miscarriage they've had. They may feel a little sad. This is completely normal and you should not take it lightly
Step 6. Don't take their loss for granted
The things that people often say in these situations are usually things that shouldn't be said to someone who is grieving. Especially if the person saying those things has never experienced the same kind of sadness. You should avoid comments that simplify the loss your friend and partner are feeling right now. Don't say things that trivialize the situation or make it sound like a minor accident on the road. Even if it is true, such comments are not helpful at all. Avoid saying something general like the following:
- "Don't worry. You can try again later."
- "Maybe you should…", "Maybe you shouldn't…", "What did the doctor say about what happened?" and other statements that seem to blame your friend.
- "This is for the best", "Everything happened for a reason", or "All of this was God's plan."
- "At least you miscarried when you were still in the early stages of pregnancy" or other comments such as those asking your friend to still be grateful for what happened.
Part 2 of 4: Providing Comfort
Step 1. Accompany him
After a miscarriage, it is very easy for a woman to feel lonely, especially if most of her relatives, friends, and acquaintances don't know how to respond to the situation. Make sure you can and are willing to help accompany him. If you don't want to, you don't have to say anything or talk about her feelings. Sometimes your mere presence can make a big difference.
- One way to keep him company is to invite him over for tea or go see a movie he likes. This activity makes it easier for you to provide him with warmth to lean on and can be a good excuse not to talk so neither of you feel burdened to say something when you don't want to.
- Send him a text or email ahead of time to ask if he'd like to be accompanied. Not everyone wants company after experiencing something like this, especially if you are pregnant yourself. If he wants it or if it can help him, he will let you know.
Step 2. Make sure he knows that you are willing to listen
Sometimes your friend may want to talk to you about what she's going through but she thinks it's something sad or weird or even "disgusting" so she can't do it. If you're willing to talk to him about what he's going through, you need to make sure he knows you're open and ready to respond to whatever he has to say.
- Say something like, "I know there's nothing I can do to make things better, but if you just want someone to talk to, I want you to know that I'm always there when you need them."
- But you have to be careful not to leave the impression that he's obligated to talk about what he's going through. An offer to listen to him or just a simple sign that you're always by his side (such as giving him a chance to talk calmly and privately) will suffice.
Step 3. Be prepared to be the listener and the shoulder to talk to
If your friend doesn't want to talk about their experiences, it's important that you just listen more than anything else. If he doesn't feel like talking about it, you should be prepared to shut up and let him cry on your shoulder. Hugs can be very helpful as well as wiping away her tears. However, everything must be done in silence.
Step 4. Let him grieve
Don't try to please him or distract him. Miscarriage is a painful experience and in order to manage her feelings, she may need to grieve for a while. You can offer her other activities if she wants, but it's generally much healthier for her to feel loss and grieve.
The stages of grieving don't necessarily follow the same pattern, but you'll generally see your friend go through five stages of grieving: denial, anger, negotiation, depression, and acceptance. Pay attention to each of these stages of grieving and let everything run its course. Don't force him to rush through it all
Step 5. Help her remember what she went through if she wants to
Some women like to commemorate the day of their loss. Some women will even do something faster like commemorating the anniversary of the last examination, the anniversary of the birth of their child, etc. If your friend says you want to commemorate the experience, you should help them in any way you can.
You can set up a simple alert even if he doesn't say he wants to do something. A bouquet of flowers or making a donation to people who have had a miscarriage (or perhaps through an international charity dealing with infant mortality) can show your support
Part 3 of 4: Give Them Support
Step 1. Help share knowledge with others so that uncomfortable situations can be avoided
It can be a huge emotional burden for a couple who has just had a miscarriage when they have to tell everyone about their loss. If you know that your friend's pregnancy has become widely known, you can offer to share the news of their loss to people so they don't have to go through a more horrific experience. Of course, you shouldn't tell people unless your friend wants to and you shouldn't tell people when they don't even know your friend is pregnant. You should discuss this situation with people if your friend allows it.
- It can be helpful to ask for a list of people the couple would like to tell about what happened to them. You should use your own judgment before telling people off the list that you accept.
- Another way that can also be helpful is to share articles like this one or an information sheet about something similar to the topic in this article to these people. This way, they will also know how best to help and talk to your bereaved friend.
Step 2. Give them time to be alone by lightening their responsibilities
You may have experienced times when you were sad but stuck with obligations that forced you to smile. Save your friends to avoid embarrassment when they have to run to the back of the room to cry and lighten some of their responsibilities. There are many ways you can do something like the things below:
- Give your coworkers a day or two of your paid leave day, look after their other children so they can have time to grieve alone, change their work schedule, etc.
- Another responsibility they may have right now is dealing with all the things they have bought for the baby. Most mothers do not want to keep these things. You can replace them through the lengthy process of returning the items to the store, selling the items, or taking the items to a charity. You can offer to do this because an experience like this can make their feelings even more broken.
Step 3. Help them perform daily tasks
Even the simplest daily tasks can make them suffer when they are grieving. By helping them do some of their daily tasks, you can give them a chance to relax and get through times of sadness. In addition, it also helps women who have had a miscarriage because the physical effects of a miscarriage can be very painful and last for several months.
- You can make them food. Filling their fridge with ready-to-eat food for a week that just needs to be reheated.
- You can clean their house; vacuuming, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, etc.
- Taking care of the yard is another household chore that's bad enough to do even when you're feeling good especially if you're about to cry in bed.
Step 4. Continue to help them from time to time
Don't just help out your friends and talk to them for two weeks and then go back to your own life and pretend like nothing happened. This will make the effort you put in and the attention you show seem insincere. Instead, you can occasionally ask your friends how they're doing and see how they're doing. This shows them that you really care about them and want to help them recover faster.
You don't need to talk a lot or even mention miscarriages explicitly. All you need to do is call them occasionally or invite them over for coffee and say something like, “How are you? Tell me how you are. I was so worried but you look so much better.”
Step 5. Don't forget that their partner also needs support
Oftentimes, people focus on comforting the miscarried woman and don't pay attention to her partner. It takes more than one person to have a child, and the woman's partner must also suffer a great loss. Even if you don't know your friend's partner that well, you should still express your condolences, even if it's only in the form of a card that can be passed on to your friend. This can mean a lot to your friend's partner, especially if there are very few people who support him or her.
Encourage your friend to talk to her partner if she hasn't already. Your friend may feel like she can't talk about her loss with her partner. He may also misunderstand and assume that men grieve in different ways, but this does not mean that they are not grieving at all. Encourage your friend to give their partner a safe place to express their grief. Visiting a spouse's advisor can also help
Part 4 of 4: Help Them Find Helpful References
Step 1. Help them find a support group
This group will be very helpful for people who are experiencing grief or complicated problems such as miscarriage. By joining a group like this, your friend can get suggestions and can see that she's not the only one going through this painful experience. You can find information on support groups for similar situations through your local hospital. The hospital maintains a list of local support groups as well as a list of counseling services.
- Internet forums. If there are no support groups in your area, you can find an internet site that provides the same function. The internet forum is full of mothers who have experienced similar losses, and many of them have made it through.
- Accompany them. Sometimes, going to group gatherings and meeting strangers to talk about very personal feelings can be very scary. You can offer to be with your friend for additional emotional support. After overcoming the initial hurdle of doing something unfamiliar, they will later become more comfortable going out alone.
Step 2. Help them find a counselor who helps someone when they are grieving
This counselor is similar to a support group but is a professional with years of training and experience in helping people cope with the pain they are experiencing. The advisor will have more tools to help and can directly help your friend get back to normal. You can usually get references to good counselors from your local hospital or church.
- Professional advisors generally charge a fee. You can show your support to your friends by paying for a session or two. If your friend finds the meeting session helpful, he or she can go alone.
- If you and your friends can't afford the service, there may be financial waivers or assistance that you can take advantage of. Contact your local health department for more information. You can also get similar services from your local church.
Step 3. Meet them with other friends
If you know someone who has been through a similar experience, you can arrange a meeting between the two. This is not as scary as a support group and can be very helpful. Arrange to meet the two at least once to introduce them face-to-face. However, you need to offer to leave them alone and give them some privacy to talk.
Say something like, "I have a friend who has gone through something similar. She's much better now. If you'd like to talk to her and get some advice, I'd be happy to invite the two of you to dinner so you two have a nice quiet time to talk."
Step 4. Find them some useful books on how to deal with miscarriage
Some people are more secretive about their grief. If you know that your friend has difficulty expressing their feelings by talking to other people, a book may be a better choice. Books allow your friend to deal with their grief at their own pace and in a place where they feel safe. Here are some good examples of books on the topic:
- "Surviving Pregnancy Loss" by Rochelle Friedman
- " Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart " by Marie Allen
- " I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery " by Ellen M. DuBois
