A condescending partner can make you feel worthless, frustrated, and sad. If your partner is belittling you personally and in front of other people, this behavior must not only be addressed but also changed. Marriage will not last if one partner always looks down on the other partner. So, tackle this behavior right away and find out different ways to make a change.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Confronting Your Partner
Step 1. Determine the best time to approach your partner
A heated situation may not be the best time to have the conversation because anger is running high and one of you could say something you'll regret.
- Have a meeting immediately after the demeaning action occurs. If you let too much time pass, the incident will be forgotten and the details will be blurred. Try to sit down with your partner within a few days of the incident to discuss the matter while it's still fresh in your mind.
- Find a quiet location where you can be alone. Raising your case in front of friends will make you look hurt and your partner looks like a jerk.
- Talk to your partner after he has had time to relax and unwind from work. Wait until the kids are asleep and after you both have had a chance to rest.
Step 2. Raise your case in a non-threatening tone
Don't take responsibility for your partner's behavior, but try to communicate how you feel in a non-threatening way. Say that you feel sad/upset/hurt when your partner is condescending to you.
- For example, you could say something like, "I feel sad when you talk to me in that tone." Or, "I get angry when you underestimate my intelligence."
- Avoid saying that your partner makes you feel like something because this wording can make him or her get defensive.
Step 3. Use an example to illustrate your point
Providing specific examples can help you when talking to your partner about their behavior. Choose a recent event and be specific about what was said and done.
- For example, you might say, "Last night, at dinner, you said something quite condescending. You said it was futile to try to explain your new project to me because I wouldn't be able to understand it."
- Avoid choosing an example of when you or your partner are drunk, because the details of the event may not be very clear.
Step 4. Ask your partner why he or she is being condescending
Your partner may respond to you in a condescending manner because of insecurity or losing out on you. Finding out the motivation for your partner's bad behavior can make it easier for you to empathize with them and make them begin to be more respectful.
- Try asking your partner to tell you what's really going on by saying something like, "I think you might be upset about something other than me. What's going on?"
- For example, if your partner gets angry and speaks in a condescending tone when you ask him about his job, he may feel insecure about his ability to do a good job. Even if your partner's behavior remains inappropriate, knowing what's really going on behind his condescending attitude can help you both figure out a better way to live together.
Step 5. Determine a number of consequences
Make it clear that condescending behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it. Hold on to your stance and don't change your mind if your partner puts you down or tries to take the situation lightly.
One example of a consequence you can plan for is saying something like "If you talk to me in that tone, I will leave this room. If you continue to humiliate me in front of other people, I will take steps to end our relationship."
Step 6. Use humor to get rid of the condescending attitude
Don't let your partner's insults get to you. The next time he's condescending, think about the funny side of the situation. Make a joke or laugh at the situation by pretending that your partner must be joking. By using humor, your partner will lose some of the power he or she is trying to weaponize through condescension.
The type of humor you use should be very context specific, but it's best to avoid self-deprecating humor because he's been belittling and belittling you
Step 7. Rewind the position
One way to stop derogatory remarks is to reverse the position to the person making the comment.
To do this, ask questions that are relevant to the context of the conversation. For example, if your partner is belittling your parenting skills, you might ask, "Could you have done better?" or "Have you done this kind of work the way you wanted?"
Part 2 of 3: Assessing Motivation for Condescending Behavior
Step 1. Notice when the condescension begins
Think about whether your partner recently started being condescending or if he's been like that throughout the relationship. You can do this by asking yourself a few questions: Did you marry someone who entered the relationship condescendingly in the first place, or did this behavior develop only later in the marriage relationship. Determining whether this is a new behavior or an attitude he has carried can help you figure out the best way to deal with this inappropriate behavior.
- Has your partner changed completely after marriage? Is there a chance that you didn't see the real person of your partner before or has he used another guise before the wedding to lure you in?
- Could his new job be influencing your partner's behavior? From feeling stressed by the workload to feeling overwhelmed by being appointed to a high position, the influence of work can have a powerful impact on even the calmest of individuals.
- While this information can help you find out more about why your partner is being condescending, when you confront him or her, don't forget to keep the conversation focused and about the present.
Step 2. Determine if the behavior is context-bound
You can tell if the condescension was motivated by something you may have done by looking at when the derogatory words were most likely to occur. Does it only occur in certain contexts, such as in discussions about parenting? Or, are the comments more widespread? Determining the specific time and circumstances will help you determine if there is a behavior or context that triggers your partner to be condescending. However, keep in mind that sometimes people don't know the motivation for their own behavior, so don't get hung up on this step if it doesn't help you personally.
- If your partner belittles you in the context of being around colleagues, does that behavior occur in front of your boss, co-workers or subordinates (or in front of all coworkers)? What kind of comments were made? Does he look down on you when you're trying to figure out what's going on at work?
- One possibility is that your partner feels intimidated or even embarrassed by your job and covers up his true feelings with sharp and disrespectful words. If this is the case, you can focus on addressing his demeaning behavior within the scope of this particular context.
- Do you find that you always increase your alertness when you and your partner are around your family and friends? Or do you feel that you are constantly "put down" by your partner when you are around family and friends?
Step 3. Observe if your partner is aware of his behavior
In some cases, your partner has been chronically condescending to the point that the behavior is part of his personality. Therefore, people are not always aware of their own behavior. He probably didn't know he was behaving inappropriately. In addition, if your partner overcompensates for insecurity, he or she may be so eager to muster up self-confidence that she doesn't even notice that her behavior is hurtful.
- Does your partner continue to talk to you as if there is no problem after making condescending remarks? If this was the case, he might not be aware that his words were harsh and inappropriate.
- Does your partner seem to talk the same way to everyone around him or are you the only target? A sarcastic person may think that condescending is just part of his "charisma." He may not realize that instead of being funny, his comments are vile and hurtful.
Part 3 of 3: Making Changes
Step 1. Watch for signs of psychological abuse
Violence can take many forms and recognizing a perpetrator of violence is not always easy. Some subtle signs of emotional or psychological abuse include:
- say things to make you feel sorry
- embarrass you on purpose
- very critical of you
- ignore you
- having an affair or flirting with the opposite sex openly
- talk to you in a sarcastic tone or mock you
- saying "I love you, but…"
- trying to control you by isolating you, with money or with threats
- constantly texting or calling you when he's not with him
Step 2. Protect your children
If your partner is also psychologically abusive and demeaning your children, you should take extra steps to protect them during this vulnerable stage of development. To do so you can:
- Be kinder to your children to compensate for the violence they suffer. Tell them how much you love them and treat them very well.
- Explain to the children that when people are angry, they say things they don't really mean.
- Explain that what other people tell them, even from their parents, is not always true. What matters is how they feel about themselves.
- Report to social services for help if the violence is severe or persistent.
- Tell your partner that he or she is hurting the kids emotionally and it's inappropriate, and if he doesn't stop you will take steps to end the relationship and get custody of both of your children.
Step 3. Talk to your friends and family
Friends and family can provide great support and advice during a relationship crisis. Try to talk to your friends and family about what happened. Ask for advice on what to do next or where to go for help.
You can even stay with friends or family members until you can find your way out and a place to live on your own. This could be the best way for you to do it. If you have children, keeping them away from an abusive partner will also work for them
Step 4. Seek counselling
Tell your partner that you want both of you to go to couples therapy. Couples therapy can be effective in helping both of you to change the dynamics of a dysfunctional relationship. This can be an effective way for you to explain to him, in a safe place, that his demeaning behavior is inappropriate and should be changed.
- To make her understand how important this counseling is to you, consider telling her that if she doesn't want to try it, you will take steps to end the relationship.
- To find a mental health professional near you, search an internet search engine for: "marriage counseling (regional name)" or "marriage counseling (regional name)".
Step 5. Talk to a counselor alone
Counseling can help you be more assertive and help determine whether you want to stay in the relationship or should leave it. If your partner does not want to do relationship counseling together, you should still consult with a counselor alone.
Try to find a counselor who has experience dealing with situations similar to yours
Tips
- While you may want to shut up and deal with the issue passively aggressively, do your best to have open communication.
- Seek professional counseling if your partner is unwilling to correct his behavior with you without intervention.
