Feeling frustrated or upset is normal in life. Conflict and pressure from work, home, or social life can irritate you, and that's normal. Fortunately, you can determine your attitude and reaction to situations that provoke annoyance. With a little knowledge and practice, you can learn to control your response to these situations and remain calm and patient no matter what.
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Part 1 of 3: Calming Yourself When You're Upset
Step 1. Count from 10 to 1
By counting to ten to calm yourself down, you give yourself some space between your feelings and thoughts. Imagine for every number you count, you reach a new stage of calm in your mind. Focus on the number being counted and your goal of creating a calm atmosphere while counting down from 10 to 1. Repeat this step until your mind is calmer.
- If you need more time to cool off, try counting backwards from 100. This way, you can feel more relaxed and have more time to cool off.
- Trained hypnotherapists often use counting methods to help you learn to calm down and relax.
- You can do math anywhere: working at home, in the bathroom, in the elevator, or anywhere else when negative thoughts and frustrations start to appear. For example, when someone cuts your way while driving, pull over and count from 10 to 1.
Step 2. Breathe deeply so you can feel relaxed immediately
When you feel stressed, your body enters a mode known as 'fight mode' or 'fly mode'. The sympathetic nervous system in the body will speed up the heartbeat and breathing, tighten the muscles, and prepare the body to experience some kind of 'attack'. By breathing deeply (and regularly), you can replenish your brain with oxygen, slow your heart rate, and relax your body. This way, you can respond to anger or irritation in a cool and kind way. Find a place to be alone for (at least) 10 minutes so you can focus on breathing quietly. You can also listen to relaxing music if it helps make you feel calmer. In addition, you can also try one of the following breathing exercises:
- Breathe in while counting from/to 10. Inhale when you reach an even number and exhale when you reach an odd number. You can also do this while imagining simple things, such as imagining that every air you breathe has colors that make you feel relaxed, such as blue or green. As you exhale, imagine the exhaled air is gray (like dirty smoke). The color symbolizes negative thoughts or emotions that have been successfully removed from the body.
- Sit comfortably and place your hands in front of your stomach. Do deep abdominal breathing and exhale air from the stomach. Use your awareness to 'relieve' the parts of your body that feel tense. For example, many people feel tension in the neck, shoulders, knees, lower back, arms and hands. Try to breathe deeply and concentrate relaxation in these areas. As you exhale, let the tension dissipate, carried away with the air you exhale.
Step 3. Remove yourself from the upsetting situation
If the situation is a conflict involving several people, take a few breaths, briefly explain why you're upset (without going into details) and then walk away. This way, you can create space in your mind to deal with the emotional turmoil you are feeling. In addition, you can also control yourself from the situation. Remember that you have a choice. After all, you're the only one who can calm yourself down.
- You don't have to go into detail about how you're feeling, but you also can't just walk away when you're upset or angry. This can actually cause communication problems between you and the other person. Instead, try saying something like, “I'm really upset right now and need to calm down. I'll calm down and go for a walk."
- Try to take a walk and cool off for as long as you need. Imagine the annoyance you feel flowing down your legs and expelling with every step you take. Find a park or other green area to take a walk and get away from the things or thoughts that are bothering you.
Step 4. Get to know your thoughts
Pay attention to any negative thoughts about the situation that irritates you. Accept the fact that you are upset. Getting annoyed is not stupid or whiny; Anger is a natural human emotion that everyone will experience from time to time. Everyone has the right to be upset, and every time we feel upset, we have the opportunity to find out what triggers us to show a strong emotional reaction. Allow yourself to be irritated by whatever triggers your annoyance. This way, you have a more honest reason to calm down.
- Even if it seems difficult and silly at first, try talking to yourself to practice recognizing your emotions. Say something like, “I'm feeling really upset right now, but that's okay. I can control my response to the annoyance.”
- Try to write down your thoughts or feelings when you are upset. For now, admit (and be honest with yourself) that you're upset. However, think about any negative thoughts you may have later when your mind has calmed down.
Step 5. Laugh
Look for funny photos on your phone or on the internet. Or, think about the jokes that always make you laugh or the funniest things you've heard or seen. Anger is a normal emotion, but it can be controlled, just like any other emotion. When you're upset, try not to think too much about what's upsetting you so you can stay calm and make good decisions about how to deal with your irritation. Calm your mind and don't think about resolving the conflict or incident you're having until your mind is calmer.
- Laughter can help keep negative thoughts at bay so you can stay calm and deal with annoyances in a good way. However, keep in mind that laughter is not the way to reduce your annoyance.
- Make sure the jokes you remember or read are not harsh or sarcastic. Jokes like that can actually make you feel even more upset.
Step 6. Listen to relaxing music
Take time to listen to any music that calms or soothes your heart as you breathe in regularly and relax your body. You can also dance or sing while listening to a song if you want. By engaging in physical activity and being creative, you can relax (both physically and mentally), and be more in touch with your feelings. This way, you will feel better when you are dealing with whatever is upsetting you.
- Look for music with a tempo of 60 beats per minute (60 bpm). These musics can help your brain synchronize your heartbeat with the beat of the music. As a result, you can feel more calm and relaxed. Music, especially classical music, light jazz, easy listening, or new age by musicians like Enya can help you feel calmer.
- You can look for several sites that provide relaxing music to play from your phone. This way, you can calm yourself down easily.
- The most important thing is that you like the music you listen to. While there is a common belief that listening to 'angry' music can trigger anger, previous studies have found no clear link between the two. In fact, some studies show that listening to 'extreme' or loud music, as long as the listener likes it, can increase positive emotions, especially when the listener is feeling angry or upset.
Step 7. Change the language you use
Turn negative thoughts into positive statements. It can improve your mood, hold back feelings of excessive anger or disappointment, and keep you calm. Try to practice using positive language so you can stay calm when you're upset.
- For example, if you're upset that you accidentally dropped and damaged something, you might think, "I never do anything right" or "Everything always falls apart." These thoughts are examples of all-or-nothing thinking, which is also a fairly common example of mind traps. Instead of having that mindset, try changing your thoughts into positive statements like, “It was just an accident. Accidents can happen anytime” or “Everyone makes mistakes, so I don't need to be upset”.
- You can also become irritated if you jump to conclusions about other people or think about certain situations according to how you feel (situation personalization), leading to the presumption that other people's attitudes or certain situations happened because of you (even if they weren't). For example, if someone cuts you off while driving, you may feel angry and believe that the person is intent on harming you. This is known as situation personalization. For a moment, try to calm yourself. It could be that the driver isn't looking at you, or is having a bad day and can't concentrate, or maybe he's just learning to drive and doesn't feel confident in his driving abilities. There are actually many other explanations that have nothing to do with plans or thoughts to harm you. It's important to keep this in mind because feelings or thoughts that someone else will hurt or attack you are a common cause of anger or resentment.
Step 8. Do physical activities
Release the tension felt through intense physical activity so that you feel calmer. Exercise can help release endorphins, natural mood-boosting chemicals. Exercise (at an intermediate level) can also reduce stress and anxiety.
- Try going to the gym and throwing a punch at the punching bag (some people call it a bag), or try running. You can also do less intense physical activity, such as light stretching or a walk in the park.
- To do a light stretch, inhale while stretching the muscles in your arms, legs, and back. Pay attention and listen to your body and its flexibility. Stretching can increase blood flow throughout the body so that tense muscles become loose. In addition, after stretching you will feel more refreshed and relaxed.
- For some people, doing house or room cleaning is a relaxing activity. They can also focus more on cleaning the house, and not on things that trigger annoyance. This physical activity, in addition to providing tangible results, can also distract you because you need to do something proactive and useful. Garbage or messy parts of the house can increase stress so by reducing trash or tidying up messy parts of the house, you can feel more calm and relaxed.
Part 2 of 3: Creating a Calm Mindset
Step 1. Realize that you cannot control other people (including their actions)
The only person whose actions and responses you can control is yourself. Unfortunately, this means that you can't really prevent or limit your anger towards other people. Therefore, train yourself so that you can control your emotions from annoyance or certain situations that occur every day. This way, you can stay calm when faced with situations that trigger annoyance. Also, understand that what you are feeling is real and true.
- For example, you simply can't control or control irresponsible drivers, annoying coworkers, or conflict in relationships. However, you can adjust your response to things that irritate you.
- Take time to pamper yourself, such as reading an interesting book, soaking in a warm water, or simply taking a walk to enjoy the atmosphere of your surroundings. Self-care exercises like these can help you to be more calm in dealing with various situations.
Step 2. Do the 'RAIN' exercise
In this context, the term 'RAIN' is an abbreviation in English and refers to an exercise that is useful in practicing calm and mindfulness in everyday life. Many studies show that exercises like this are useful in reducing stress.
- Recognize: Recognize and feel the existing situation or experience. Get to know what's happening right now. Pay attention to how you feel, what your body feels, and what you think.
- Allow: Allow yourself to feel those things. When you have thoughts or feelings that arise from an experience or situation, allow yourself to feel those thoughts or experiences. Often, we try to suppress the emotions that arise. This, in fact, can make us even more depressed and upset. Therefore, understand that these emotions do exist, and they are not about 'right' or 'wrong' – they are just what you feel.
- Investigate: Recognize and research the situation with kindness. Show your kindness and friendliness, just as you would want to show your friends. For example, when you feel depressed, you may feel that you are stupid or worthless. Review and re-examine these thoughts. Would you say the same to your friend? Instead, show kindness and friendliness to yourself. Try saying something to yourself like "I'm worthy."
- Natural loving awareness: Awareness to love will naturally arise after you practice the previous three steps. This way, you can distance yourself from thoughts like "I'm just a loser" or "I'm stupid." You will then realize that when these negative thoughts one day appear, they are probably only because of your fear or insecurity.
Step 3. Try meditating
Some research suggests that meditation can change the way your brain responds to sources of stress. Meditation has been shown to be beneficial, especially mindfulness meditation which has been extensively researched.
- You don't have to meditate for hours to feel the benefits. Meditation for 15 minutes every day can help you feel calmer. For example, for some people, meditating after they wake up can be beneficial. When you wake up, you already feel calm (though still sleepy). Therefore, when the alarm sounds, try to turn off the alarm, sit down, and focus on doing breathing exercises.
- Daily meditation can help lower your response to stress, make it easier for you to let go or forget minor annoyances, and create a calmer mindset when dealing with the various conflicts in life.
Step 4. Do yoga
Yoga has been clinically proven to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. Almost all forms of yoga combine meditation, breathing exercises, and small movements, making it a good technique to help calm yourself and relieve various responses to sources of stress. Since there are so many different types of yoga, you need to find a yoga class or type that suits your physical abilities, and is coached by a tutor you feel comfortable with. Do yoga in a quiet environment or place so that you feel relaxed. Relax your mind by connecting with your emotions and body.
- Keep in mind that your goal of doing yoga is to reach peak fitness, not to compete.
- Look for other articles on wikiHow about yoga practice for more information.
Step 5. Pay attention to the emotions that arise each day
Think about how you felt and what you had to go through. Appreciate these feelings because, in this way, you can respond calmly to the things that upset you. You can write down your emotions in a diary that can serve as a 'safety net' when you are upset. Writing an emotion journal like this is also useful for reducing stress and controlling anxiety and depression.
- Reviewing and feeling your feelings can help you feel calmer and stronger to face the challenges that come your way every day because you know there will always be a way to deal with the feelings that arise.
- Remember to keep pouring out and showing love for yourself in your feelings journal. Some research shows that writing down negative feelings or stress is not enough to make you feel better; You should also try to be nice to yourself about how you feel and find ways to find solutions to problems or negative feelings that arise.
- For example, if you feel very angry with a coworker, write down the experience or anger in a journal. Write down what happened, how you felt, how you reacted or responded to the incident, whether you could change how you responded, and what you can do in the future to prevent you from responding to anger in that way.
Part 3 of 3: Making Relaxing Lifestyle Choices
Step 1. Exercise
Try to get some physical activity every day, even if it's just a walk or 20 minutes of dancing. Regular exercise can release endorphins, natural pain relievers that can make you feel more relaxed and regulate your mood. In addition, your body will feel calmer.
Physical inactivity can actually create tension and stress, so you're more likely to overreact to situations that irritate you
Step 2. Avoid consuming foods or drinks that contain lots of caffeine and sugar
Both of these substances can trigger the release of stress hormones from the adrenal glands so that you are more easily irritated. At the same time, it will be more difficult for you to relax or stay calm. Try cutting back on foods or drinks that contain caffeine and sugar for a few weeks to see if you can feel more calm and relaxed. After that, you can steadily re-add your caffeine and sugar intake in small amounts if you wish.
- If you want to drink caffeinated drinks, make sure you don't consume more than 400 mg of caffeine per day for adults, or 100 mg per day for teenagers.
- Try to eat a healthy snack every 3-4 hours. This way, blood sugar levels will be maintained and mood swings that trigger feelings of irritation can be prevented.
Step 3. Don't drink alcohol to reduce stress
While many people use alcohol as a strategy or way to deal with stress, it's actually not a healthy behavior. You can eat it occasionally, but you shouldn't take it as a 'stress reliever'. Consuming alcoholic beverages when feeling stressed can actually increase the risk of alcohol abuse and alcoholism.
- If you want to consume alcoholic beverages, remember to consume them in moderation. In the United States, The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism recommends that men consume no more than 4 "servings" of alcoholic beverages per day and no more than 14 per week. Meanwhile, women are advised not to consume more than 3 servings of alcoholic beverages per day and no more than 7 servings per week.
- One 'portion' of alcoholic beverages refers to 350 ml of regular beer, 250 ml of malted liquor, 150 ml of wine, or 45 ml of 40% alcoholic beverage (known as one shot).
- Don't drink alcohol before bed. While it can make you sleepy at first, alcohol can interfere with the REM (rapid eye movement) phase of sleep, making you feel tired when you wake up in the morning.
Step 4. Get enough sleep
Lack of sleep is a common cause of stress and anxiety. Several studies show that most Americans need more hours of sleep than they currently have. Take a few steps to make sure you get as much quality sleep as possible. These steps are:
- Get into the habit of doing a routine before bed. Avoid using electronic products such as computers or television before going to bed. Make herbal tea and soak in warm water. Do the same every night before you go to sleep.
- Avoid consuming caffeinated drinks or smoking before bed. Caffeine and nicotine are two stimulants that can actually keep you awake.
- Stay consistent with your bedtime routine. Try to get up and go to bed at the same time every day, even on weekends. This way, your biological clock will stay in order.
Step 5. Balance your work and personal life
Make sure you can do fun things to entertain yourself, like taking a vacation, relaxing at home, watching your favorite television program, or taking courses that match your interests. You need to feel a balance between what you need to do and what you want to do. By taking care of yourself (especially your mental health) in this way, you can create and feel calm and contentment. Both of these can prevent you from feeling upset or showing a negative reaction.
- Try to make a line between the world of work and your personal life. For example, make it clear to yourself that you will not reply to work emails outside of working hours.
- Manage your time efficiently. Today many adults (especially employees) waste so much time in the workday that they have to 'take' their work home or work overtime. Therefore, try to get your work done at the office so you don't have to bring your work home.
- Make a schedule for fun. Sometimes time for fun or pampering is often overlooked, especially if you have a busy schedule. Therefore, try to make a schedule to calm and entertain yourself. You can also write it down on your calendar or to-do if necessary. Remember that time to entertain and cool off is just as important as any other work meeting.
- Often we feel overwhelmed when we have to do too much work. If you start to feel overwhelmed, don't be afraid to ask for help or even turn down certain job requests.
