When someone you care deeply hurts your feelings, it may be hard for you to get over it. You may feel that the best thing to do is to turn love into hate, when in fact that choice will only make things more difficult because hate is not the opposite of love. Both are strong emotions that can "suck up" your energy. If you want to stop feeling the pain of losing someone you love (whether it's a breakup, fight, death, or something else), the best thing you can do is face your emotions and try to get back on track.
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Part 1 of 5: Get Rid of Things That Remind Him
Step 1. Delete the contact information of the person concerned
If he won't be a part of your life anymore, delete his contact information. This can prevent you from calling, texting, or e-mailing them.
- You may still remember their phone number or email address, but deleting their contact information from your phone, computer, tablet, address book, etc. will make it at least harder for you to reach them.
- For example, if you delete your ex's contact information from your phone, you're less tempted to touch their name and text or call them. At the very least, you will be encouraged to consider the action before doing it.
Step 2. Block the mobile number
If he's still calling or texting you, and you're on a smartphone, you can download an app that can block calls or text messages from him so you don't have to get notifications.
This is especially useful if you're trying hard to get over it. Every time he calls or texts you, you'll be reminded of him and prompted to respond
Step 3. Filter the emails he sends
If he emails you frequently, direct the emails he sends to a separate folder instead of your inbox. You can do this by creating an email filter. The filter creation instructions are determined by the email service provider you are using.
Step 4. Block the person concerned on social media
If you're trying hard to get over someone, their presence on Facebook or Twitter is a bad thing. Instead of simply deleting them, you need to block the account. This way, you won't see anything he uploads (and vice versa).
It may be tempting to find out how he's doing on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or another social media site. However, avoid the urge to check his profile as that will only make it harder for you to forget him and get back to life
Step 5. Delete old communications
Get rid of old messages or other forms of communication such as emails, Facebook messages, WhatsApp chats, etc. You have more “worth” things to do than reread the messages and get upset.
Step 6. Think carefully if you want to delete the photos
Before deleting photos, consider whether they represent a part of your life that you really want to forget forever.
- As time goes on, you may look back on relationships or (at least) moments you've lived in your life with nostalgia.
- If there's a chance that you'll regret deleting the photos, try saving them in a box or flash drive, then giving the box or drive to a friend for safekeeping until you feel ready enough to look at them again.
Step 7. Place the items (physical ones) in the box
Check your room and home and remove anything that reminds you of that person. You can put it in a box until you're ready to look at it again.
- You can also donate or burn the items later. However, for now, just keep and hide these items so you don't have to keep on remembering the loss you've had.
- If you do want to burn these items, make sure you do so in a safe place (and are allowed to burn objects). For example, you can burn it outdoors instead of on the bedroom floor.
Part 2 of 5: Fixing Feelings
Step 1. Realize that you have control over your own feelings
Several studies have shown that a person has a better chance of regulating his own feelings when he sees it from a scientific point of view. In this sense, feelings are viewed as “controllable” (although perhaps unexpected) points or data in a life experiment.
- If you get an unexpected experiment result, you need to examine the experiment, find the point of deviation, and see the results that the deviation caused. After that, you need to make a plan for the next step. While it may sound sociopathic, this approach can really help.
- Maybe you don't feel in control of your feelings right now. However, with persistence, you can train your brain to respond to situations in a more controlled way. For example, you can take things calmly and look at them objectively, not subjectively.
Step 2. Accept your feelings
Losing someone you love can torment you in a storm of emotions: shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, sadness, fear, and even relief and happiness. You can even feel several of these emotions at the same time.
- Instead of fighting your feelings, try to accept them and let them flow. It's a good idea to calm down for a moment and try to observe the emotions that exist, then get away from them. Remind yourself that what you are feeling is perfectly normal.
- You can say to yourself, "I am truly saddened by the breakdown of this relationship, and this sadness is a feeling that was also present in the incident."
Step 3. Record how you feel
You can do this by taking notes or recording yourself talking about how you are feeling. The most important thing is not to suppress your feelings because this will make it more difficult for you to move on with your life.
- Some experts recommend keeping a journal every day. This writing helps you identify your feelings and determine how to deal with them or forget them.
- If you're out and about and need to vent your emotions, use a notebook or note-taking app on your phone to write down how you're feeling.
- Recording or writing down how you feel can be a useful step, especially if you want to communicate with someone you miss or annoy. Instead of calling him, you can write a letter or record yourself saying what you want to say to him. However, do not send the letter or the recording. This is done to make you feel more relieved. You may also feel better after destroying or deleting the created letter/record.
Step 4. Don't torture yourself
Remember that it takes two people to start a relationship, and two people to end it. This means that you don't have complete control over your relationship because you can only control yourself.
- Don't play the memories of the relationship in your mind over and over again. Don't regret what you should have done. The relationship has ended now and may not have had much effect on or relate to your life. For example, it may be that at that time you just wanted different things in life.
- Instead of asking yourself (e.g. “Why do I have to go through this?”) or saying things like, “I'm worthless” to yourself, think about what you would like to change in the way you behave, and use those thoughts or experiences to develop into a better person and move on with life.
- Instead of torturing yourself, try to take care of yourself. You'll start to feel proud of yourself for being mature enough to want to grow from a bad experience.
Step 5. Remember the bad things that have happened
When a relationship ends, many of us fixate on the good things and torture ourselves by thinking about the things that were “lost” in life after the relationship broke down. However, by thinking about the bad things that happened in the relationship, you can see ending the relationship as a positive thing.
- In addition to the things he hates about him and his past relationships, think about whether he's ever brought up things about you that you didn't like. For example, he may have said, “Whenever I am with you, I am indifferent to my friends and always leave them for you. I also can't pursue my hobbies anymore, and I think I'm starting to become a person like you.”
- It's a good idea to make a list of the bad things that happened in the relationship. Make sure you keep the list in a safe place or tear it up. Don't show the list to anyone, especially someone you want to forget. Otherwise, it will only create drama and make it difficult for you to move on with your life.
Step 6. Don't hate it
When someone does something that hurts other people's feelings, it's often caused by the inner hurt that exists within the perpetrator himself. This is why you should look at it with pity.
Instead of hating or feeling angry at him, try showing compassion. He may be dealing with a problem you don't know about and so behave that way (both consciously and unconsciously)
Step 7. Talk about your feelings with trusted people
Several studies have shown that people recover from trauma more quickly when they are willing to talk about their feelings. Get in touch with people who can take your feelings seriously and cheer you up, whether it's friends, family members, or people you're quite familiar with online.
- Don't talk to people who will just ignore or belittle your feelings because they will only make you feel worse.
- If you're having trouble dealing with your feelings, you can see a counselor. Having a good counselor can help you get practical advice on how to get back on track with your life.
- It's healthy to talk about how you're feeling, but make sure you don't always talk about your feelings. Otherwise, you can ignore the people closest to you. If you're unsure whether you're talking too much about yourself, ask the person you're talking to about their feelings or opinions. A good friend will tell you what they think without getting upset.
Step 8. Don't always dwell on or get lost in your feelings
Some research shows that while it's important to let go of your feelings, if you think about them all the time, you can end up experiencing the same negative consequences that would happen if you held back.
Research shows that staying focused on yourself and not taking steps to get over your sadness and improve your mood can actually lead to long-term depression
Step 9. Be patient with yourself
It takes time to recover from a ended relationship. This means, don't expect that you can forget about the relationship right away. You may never be able to stop loving him completely, but over time, the love will fade.
There is a chance that one day you will reminisce about the past and smile at the thought that you once loved her. However, now it is just a memory of a moment in your life
Step 10. Stay positive
While forgetting it, you are bound to have good days and bad days. Being positive doesn't mean you can ignore bad days; You just have to believe that good days will come again.
There may be times when you are reluctant to even get out of bed. It doesn't matter if something like this happens. Try to show a positive attitude towards problems in life. Every now and then it might be a good idea to stay in bed all day, reading a book or watching a movie, or listening to sad, crying music. Say to yourself, "Okay. Today I admit the sadness I feel, but tomorrow I have to get up and exercise as usual. I know I'm strong enough to get through tough moments like this."
Part 3 of 5: Learning Mental Tricks to Let Something Go
Step 1. View your relationship as an experiment
Check the "data" you got from the failed relationship. Find out what went wrong in the relationship. Some research shows that taking a scientific look at your relationship helps you get a better picture of yourself. Apart from that, it also helps you to recover from emotional wounds quickly after the relationship ends.
- Try to calm yourself down for a moment and think about the factors that might have contributed to the breakup. Remember not to dwell on it for too long. You just need to try to learn and grow from what happened, not torture yourself by dwelling on your mistakes.
- This doesn't necessarily mean that you have to think about things that might be your fault. You might think something simple, like "We're actually two very different people, with different dreams and goals."
- You can also have fun by spending hours analyzing the relationship and treating it like an experiment (complete with diagrams and graphs if necessary!).
Step 2. Understand what you are learning
It will be easier for you to accept mistakes in life when you see them as opportunities to learn. Seeing a breakup as an opportunity to learn something can encourage you to look at it in a more positive light.
It's not uncommon for you to feel like you've wasted your time after breaking up with a relationship. If you view the relationship as a learning experience, the relationship is not a waste of your time. Keep in mind that things that help you grow and learn are not in vain
Step 3. Separate the concept of your whole self from it
When you lose someone you care about, you may feel like you've lost half your soul. However, by rebuilding the self-concept (and identity) separated from the person you love (and has left), you can rebuild the concept and identity.
One good writing exercise to build self-concept is to label a piece of paper with the title “Who am I?” or “What makes me unique?”, then note down the appropriate response or answers
Step 4. Don't stop yourself from thinking about it
Some research shows that forbidding yourself to think about something will only make you want to think about it more.
Instead of forcing yourself not to think about the person you want to forget, try reminding yourself that he or she is no longer a part of your life when thoughts or images of them arise. Then, redirect your attention to other profitable things
Step 5. Give yourself a few minutes to think about it each day
When a loved one leaves, our minds will be filled with all the things about him or her. Telling yourself not to think about it won't have much effect, but you can encourage yourself to think about it "later, not now."
- Every time an image of him or her comes to mind, brush it off and tell yourself that you can come back to think about it at an appointed hour or time (especially for thinking about that person).
- When the time comes, you can sit back and think about everything. Set a countdown timer to make sure you don't dwell on it for too long. You can define two 10-minute “sessions” each day, one in the morning and the other in the afternoon.
- Try not to be the last thing or person on your mind every night. If possible, read an interesting book or do some yoga before bed. The image may still linger in your mind, but you can brush it off until the right moment comes.
Step 6. Imagine yourself as you let him go
Sit somewhere comfortable and try to imagine a box in front of you. Put all your memories with him in it, then close the box.
Hold the imaginary box in your hand and blow until it floats away. When the image of him comes back, say to yourself, “No! Everything about him is gone!” and try to think of something else as soon as possible
Step 7. Enjoy what you have in the moment
Every day, try to focus on the present moment. Continuing to contemplate the past or the future will only make you yearn for the past. This is of course useless because the only time you have is now.
- It is important for you to keep your goals in life and work towards them. However, you don't have to think about these goals all the time. If you think about it all the time, you will be so focused on the future that you forget to do the things that have to be done now in order to achieve those goals!
- Don't let the next year you look back and realize that you wasted the previous year by letting yourself be depressed and doing nothing because you were too immersed in sadness over the end of the relationship you had.
Step 8. Smile
Research shows that a small smile, even when you're feeling down, can make you feel happier. Try smiling now. Lift the corners of your lips and hold for about 30 seconds.
- At the very least, you'll be amused when you imagine how crazy you'd be to stare at a computer screen and fake a smile while trying to put on a more “sincere” smile.
- If you have trouble smiling, try watching stand-up comedy shows or other funny shows that can put a smile on your face, even if it's just a small one.
Part 4 of 5: Keeping Yourself Healthy
Step 1. Prevent yourself from contacting him
Do things that can resist the temptation to contact the person you want to forget. This means, try to make plans on nights that "potentially" trigger the emergence of peaked feelings of longing, and continue to carry out activities as usual.
If you think you're going to feel lonely on a Sunday night and want to call her, make plans for that night. Do this, even when you feel pressured and don't feel like doing anything. Make a plan and try to enjoy the moment while taking a walk and spending time with friends
Step 2. Have fun with others and with yourself
Try socializing and pursuing a new hobby (or re-doing an old hobby). The key is that you have to be able to have fun without your loved one because even though it may seem impossible, you can actually have fun without them.
- Do things to improve your mood. Otherwise, you'll just be struggling with sadness and feeling depressed.
- Examples of hobby activities that can be done, among others, are making music, making art, exercising, dancing, watching movies, enjoying video games, reading books, cooking, watching drama performances or festivals in the city, visiting museums, and so on.
Step 3. Find a new thing or habit to work on
Experts say that the best way to break old habits is to start new ones. Try pursuing a new hobby or re-do an old hobby that you used to have.
- When you start to feel sad (like you're missing something), direct your energy toward the new activity or habit instead of thinking about the love you've lost.
- Keep in mind that this doesn't mean you should immediately date someone else or try to replace the person you love with someone new. This is not a good (or unhealthy) thing to do.
Step 4. Find out who you really are
Sometimes it's hard to get out of a relationship that ends when you feel that half of your soul is missing. Try rebuilding your self-concept, without a loved one.
The best way to do this is to spend some time alone and engage in hobby activities, study feelings, etc. This may be difficult to do in the first few weeks or months. However, you'll know you're ready when he's no longer the first person or thing on your mind when you wake up
Step 5. Take care of yourself
When dealing with grief, it's important to take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. Do things that can make you feel better and “refreshed”, both on the outside and on the inside.
- Try eating regularly, drinking lots of water, getting enough sleep, exercising and meditating, you can also buy new clothes or get a different haircut.
- Experts say that stress is a major trigger for addiction, including dependence on ex-partners. If you're feeling overwhelmed, tired, or depressed, it will be even more difficult for you to resist the temptation to contact the person you want to forget.
- Research shows that taking care of aspects of yourself that were neglected during your relationship can help you get back on your feet and move on with your life.
Step 6. Avoid unhealthy mechanisms or behaviors to deal with the situation
Think about the unhealthy behaviors you display when you feel upset or stressed, and try to avoid them. Some of the unhealthy behaviors that are sometimes shown to deal with problems include:
- Drinking alcohol, using illegal drugs, eating too much (or too little), distancing yourself from loved ones, exhibiting aggressive or abusive behavior, using the internet for too long, or displaying other excessive behaviors (e.g. by playing video games, shopping, watching porn videos, exercising, etc.).
- For example, if you notice that you tend to binge eating when you're feeling stressed, fight the habit by taking a walk or running, or doing other activities with your hands such as painting or crafting.
Step 7. Don't try to get revenge
Wanting to demand justice after being treated unfairly is not unusual. However, research shows that revenge actually increases stress and health problems, rather than making a person feel better.
Some studies even show that revenge actually forces you to “replay” the situation or problem you have in mind over and over again. Meanwhile, not seeking revenge will make the problem seem less significant so you can forget about it more easily
Step 8. Realize your self-worth
Remember that you are still a person of value. The person you care about doesn't actually dump you. However, the existing situation does not allow the relationship to continue. Realizing that you are a valuable person is not a form of arrogance, of course as long as you don't feel that you are more valuable than other people.
If you're having trouble recognizing your own worth, sit down and write down the things you like about yourself. On the first day, you may only be able to write one thing (and that too after a lot of effort). However, if you do it every day, maybe in one week you can find five good things. Within a month, there's a good chance you'll be able to fill a whole page with good things about yourself
Part 5 of 5: Rise and Get Back to Living
Step 1. Realize that you have control over your own life
You are responsible for your own happiness and life choices. No one else has the right to regulate it. If you don't do something to improve your mood and change your life, you will still feel sad and even trapped in the trap of depression.
If you are hurt by someone, don't let them inflict a bigger wound by sinking into depression that can interfere with your life
Step 2. Determine the purpose of life
Having a meaningful goal to achieve can be a reason to stop thinking about it and start working on improving your life.
- For example, if you're about to enter college after graduating from high school, challenge yourself to get the best possible grades and get accepted into a major you love.
- If you're not sure what you want to do in the future, take some time to explore the options. If you are still in school, see a counselor or mentor to discuss career options. If not, try asking close friends and family members about your strengths/strengths, and the areas you are good at.
Step 3. Realize that you will meet other people
At the moment, this may not sound like the right thing to do, but remember that you will meet other people who may be more compatible or compatible. When you finally meet someone else, you will be grateful that the relationship you previously had with the person you wanted to forget has run aground.
The more you develop yourself and your personality, the more you will know about the things that make the right relationship possible. Such information helps you find a more appropriate or suitable figure
Step 4. Find out when you are ready for a new relationship
There is no time limit on how long it takes to forget someone. The length of time it takes will vary from person to person (and from relationship to relationship). Some people may take months to forget someone, while others take years.
- If you're still thinking about your ex a lot, you may not be able to give them the attention they need to build a healthy new relationship.
- It is important that you feel confident before entering into a new relationship. If you're still afraid to live life alone (without him), this isn't the time to start a new relationship.
Tips
- If you're having trouble finding your strengths, try comparing yourself to your role models. For example, compare yourself to a celebrity role model who has made it through personal problems, or even a character in a book or movie with strengths you admire.
- Avoid the temptation to immediately replace the old relationship with a new relationship. It's important that you feel, think about, and learn about your emotions without rushing, and even lamenting the end of a past relationship. It's not fair to the new partner if your feelings are still attached to the other person.
- Reading can be a great “escape” from reality, and even teach you a few things or inspire you to write your own story. By being a part of someone's story (including their hopes and sorrows), you can "escape" from the problem at hand, and even get inspired by the story.
- Traveling can be a great way to forget someone you once cared about. The distance will make you feel freer and, although you may feel lonely, you can move on from it and feel more confident about successfully doing something in a new place alone (in his absence).
Warning
- Seek medical help if you feel that life is no longer worth living, or think that if you can't have it, no one else should have it either. Losing a loved one is painful, but people can usually rise from grief and thrive, even from the worst experiences. Do not let you end your own life (or someone else's life).
- If you think you may be depressed, try seeing a doctor or counselor. It's natural to feel sad, but being paralyzed by sadness and sitting in bed for weeks (or months) isn't healthy. You should seek help immediately.
