Self-esteem, or how we feel about ourselves, is only one part of what shapes our emotions. If you have high self-esteem, it may be difficult for you to see a friend or loved one have low self-esteem. While you can't make other people feel better about themselves, you can offer support and encouragement and set an example of positive self-esteem.
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Part 1 of 4: Offering Support
Step 1. Be a good friend
Good friends can play a role in the same way as a therapist by really listening, and speaking from the heart. While maintaining a friendship with someone who is emotionally unstable can be challenging, remember that this is (hopefully) temporary, and he or she is on the way to improvement.
- Try to spend time with your friends: people with low self-esteem usually don't have the initiative to make plans with someone, so you have to initiate the plans. His difficulty in contacting and sticking to social plans has nothing to do with you. This actually reflects the anxiety, fear, or depression experienced by people with low self-esteem.
- Meeting regularly can be very helpful as it reduces the need to make plans while ensuring weeks don't go by without contact. Either an appointment for coffee every Sunday, or a game of cards every Wednesday night, or a swim every morning can really help you.
- Listen to your friends, make eye contact while having a conversation. Showing that you care about him can give him the support to increase his self-esteem.
Step 2. Don't try to tell him how he should think
You run the risk of alienating the person you really want to help if you tell them right away how they should think about themselves or how to act. Instead, support him as he is, and try to push him forward and set an example for healthier emotional nurturing.
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If you try to counter the person's negativity, they may not respond well. This is not a problem that can be solved only by logic.
- For example, if he says "I feel so stupid," it won't help if you say, "You're not stupid, you're so smart." Your friends will most likely describe their stupidity, because this is what they are thinking.
- Instead, try responding to "I feel so stupid" by saying something like "I'm sorry you felt that way. What made you think that way? Did something happen?". This kind of response will open up a more productive conversation.
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Affirm their feelings. The feeling of being heard is very amplifying. You may be tempted to fight his unfounded negative feelings. However, you should avoid it.
- Yes: "You seem really disappointed that you couldn't find a partner to come to the show. I can imagine that was tough. I've been through that too."
- No: "You'd better not be so sad that you couldn't find a partner to come to the event. It's no big deal, don't worry. I've been there and it's okay."
Step 3. Solve the problem if he can
People with low self-esteem often take their problems personally. The problem lies with them and cannot be solved. Getting him to look at it from another angle might help. Remember that problem solving can only be done after the negative emotions have been expressed.
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- Like the example above: "Indeed many people attend the event with a partner, but I also know there are those who attend alone. You certainly aren't the only one who comes alone."
- Or: "We'll go there together, if you want to come. I'd love it if you wanted to go with us. I'd also like to introduce you to my friends, I think you'd be a good fit".
Step 4. Volunteer together
People with low self-esteem often find it difficult to feel bad about themselves when they do volunteer work for others. You can subtly increase a friend's self-esteem by encouraging them to volunteer with you.
- Or try asking him for help. A person with low self-esteem ironically prefers to help others rather than themselves. Offering opportunities to help others can create moments for them to build self-esteem.
- For example, ask him to help you solve a relationship problem or fix a computer.
Step 5. Provide a place to lean on if she cries
If your friend wants to talk about her feelings or about the roots of her low self-esteem, the most helpful thing you can do is to listen as she processes the problem. Often, when a person identifies the root cause of his low self-esteem problem, he can recognize that the negative feelings are coming from outside.
Step 6. Suggest a change in inner voice
Ask your beloved what his inner voice says about himself. Chances are you'll find that his inner voice is constantly negative. Try teaching him to be kinder to himself by stopping negative self-talk and turning it into something positive.
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For example, if his inner voice says, “I messed up all the business in the relationship,” that implies that he is destined to be alone based on one relationship. This thought also implies there is nothing to learn from failure, or skills to learn. As a friend, you can help reframe statements like these into:
- "This relationship failed, but it's better to know now than later. Luckily I find out now rather than later after getting married and having three children."
- "I might have to meet a few more frogs before I find the prince. Most people do too."
- "I'm learning to communicate better. I'll try to be better at it".
Step 7. Suggest therapy, subtly
If you feel that the person has deeper problems than you can personally help with, try suggesting that they go to therapy. Both cognitive behavioral therapy and psychodynamic therapy can help with low self-esteem.
- You need to handle this conversation with care. You don't want to distance him or make him think you think he's crazy.
- If you have been in therapy yourself, explain how it has helped you in the past.
- Don't be upset if your suggestion is rejected right away. You may have planted a seed that will continue to grow in his mind; maybe he finally decides to try a counselor.
Part 2 of 4: Modeling Healthy Self Appreciation
Step 1. Spend time with friends who have low self-esteem
Being close to someone who has higher self-esteem can help people who lack self-confidence. If you take the opportunity to communicate your own self-perception, you can model healthy emotional well-being.
Step 2. Set goals and take risks
People with low self-esteem often hesitate to take risks or set goals for fear of failure. By setting goals and taking your own risks, you can demonstrate a positive approach to life. If possible, talk about your thought processes with people who have low self-esteem. You may need to emphasize:
- What goals did you set and why. (For example, taking part in a 5 km race to improve body fitness).
- What will you do when you reach that goal. (After successfully completing the race, I might plan to run a half marathon).
- How would you feel if you didn't reach that goal? What happens if after doing your best and trying and it doesn't work? (I'd be disappointed if I didn't finish the race, but there will always be other races. Besides, my main goal is to improve my physical fitness. If I'm healthier, I've already won. If running isn't for me, there are other activities I can try.).
- Possible rewards for taking risks. (I could be thinner, I could hurt my knee. I might look silly at the gym. I might feel better. Maybe I'd really like it).
- How do you feel about the different results. (I'd be very happy if it worked and feel more confident. However, injuries can be very annoying, and I don't like feeling strangers either).
Step 3. Express your inner voice
We all live with our own inner voice, and it's hard to tell if your voice is abnormal if you can't compare it to anything. Talking to someone with low self-esteem about how you talk and how you think about yourself can help them understand a more positive inner voice.
- Emphasize that when things don't go the way you hoped, you don't blame or criticize yourself.
- Convey that you don't assume other people judge or think badly of you in their minds.
- Explain how you praise yourself for your accomplishments, and that being proud of yourself does not mean being arrogant.
- Model an inner voice that truly indicates the support you would give your dear friend, not the treatment you wouldn't want anyone to have.
Step 4. Explain that you are not perfect
To someone who has low self-esteem, a confident person may seem perfect. Those with low self-esteem are often very self-critical, and when they compare themselves to others, they compare what they perceive to be the worst part of themselves to the best part of others. Explaining that you are not – and don't want to be – perfect, and that you love yourself for who you are can be very helpful for people with low self-esteem.
Step 5. Show that you accept yourself
Use your words and actions to let him know that you accept yourself as you are. Even though you have goals and ambitions, you are happy with who you are now.
Try using positive sentences such as "I'm good at…", "I hope to continue to improve at…", "I welcome the situation I'm in…" and "I feel good when I…"
Step 6. Describe your personal goal setting
Letting the person with low self-esteem know that you have areas you would like to improve on that you don't see as weaknesses can help them understand a healthier way of assessing themselves.
- While people with low self-esteem may think, “I failed because I haven't found a job,” you can model a better approach by saying, “I was a great employee, and was looking for a job that suited me.”
- Instead of expressing something like, “I'm very disorganized,” you could say, “I'm better at the “big picture” idea than detail, but I'm trying to be more organized and attentive to detail.”
Part 3 of 4: Understanding Low Self-Esteem
Step 1. Realize that you may not be able to help
In the end, self-esteem is a personal matter, and people who have low self-esteem must help themselves to truly get better. You can offer encouragement and support, but you cannot increase the other person's self-esteem.
Step 2. Recognize the symptoms of low self-esteem
Being able to recognize the symptoms of low self-esteem can help you offer support to loved ones. Some of the symptoms to watch for include:
- Making constant negative comments about themselves
- Expressing that anything less than perfect in his life is unacceptable
- Anxiety or panic when around new people
- Give up without even trying for fear of failure
- Getting really defensive at the slightest provocation
- Assuming that other people always think the worst about him
Step 3. Ask her inner thoughts
One characteristic that defines low self-esteem is the presence of an inner voice that tells a person that he or she is not good enough, that other people think badly of him, and that he is not perfect, that he is not a worthy person. If your beloved feels this way, chances are he or she has low self-esteem.
- "I'm fat as a pig. Of course I don't have a boyfriend."
- "I hate my job, but no other company will hire me."
- "I really am a failure".
Step 4. Step in before the problem becomes more intense
Realize that over time low self-esteem can get worse, not better, if left untreated. If you think that someone needs help, then you should talk to them sooner rather than delay. Individuals with increased self-esteem problems tend to:
- Tolerating abusive relationships
- Intimidating or being rude to yourself
- Sacrificing dreams and goals for fear of failure
- Ignoring personal hygiene
- Participating in self-injurious behavior
Part 4 of 4: Taking Care of Yourself
Step 1. Set clear boundaries if necessary
Someone with low self-esteem could really need you. Even if you want to help, you may also receive frequent calls at 3 a.m., engage in emotionally draining conversations, or ask to meet up when you have other responsibilities to attend to. So you may need to set boundaries so your friendship doesn't turn toxic. For example:
- Your main responsibility is the children. Not that your friends aren't a priority, but children's dance shows certainly have higher priority than your friends' poetry readings.
- Calls after 10pm should be an emergency. A car accident is an emergency, but a breakup is not.
- You need time away from friends to nurture other relationships. Your friendships are valuable, but you also need to spend time with other friends, family, girlfriends, and even alone.
- In addition to talking about what's bothering your friend, you'll be talking about your own life, as well as other things. Friendship is a two-way relationship and is give and take.
Step 2. Remember that you are just a friend and not the therapist
Just as therapists are not friends, "friends are not therapists." To help a person with very low self-esteem, one may have to spend a lot of time and energy helping a friend who is suffering, but is unable. This can make both very sad and unbalanced. Meanwhile, a therapist can help what even best friends can't do.
Step 3. Do not accept acts of torture
People with low self-esteem can unfortunately be very negative towards others. Sometimes this is so extreme that it becomes torture. You don't have to help someone who abuses you verbally, physically, or in any other way.
- Low self-esteem does not make a person free to do evil, whatever the cause of his experience.
- You have the right to protect yourself from further pain. You may have to cut ties and you have every right to do so.
Tips
- One way to increase a person's self-esteem is to teach them to love themselves.
- People with low self-esteem may have a hard time getting a job or finding a better job. So helping to motivate him might help.
