Parents should love, guide and protect their children. They are supposed to help children grow and develop as independent people. Unfortunately, there are some parents who do not pay attention, abuse, neglect, or abandon their children. Feeling unloved by your parents can be painful emotionally, and sometimes physically. The best way to deal with it is to accept that you can't change other people and focus on yourself.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Developing a Problem-Solving Mechanism
Step 1. Talk to a trusted friend or family member
Sometimes talking to someone about a problem can make you feel better. Try talking about what happened at home with a trusted friend or family member.
- For example, you could try talking to a close friend and share how you feel about your parents' attitude. Choose someone you're comfortable talking to and who won't betray you and report your story to your parents.
- Try not to rely too much on this person to meet your emotional needs. Speak only when you need to be heard. If you call him several times a day to calm him down, then you are starting to depend on him. Talk to a counselor or therapist if you feel you are becoming increasingly dependent on others for reassurance and justification.
Step 2. Find a mentor
Mentors can guide you to important life decisions and teach you what your parents don't want or can't teach you. You can find a mentor to learn new skills for handling difficult situations, succeeding in school, or developing a professional career. Try asking a trusted and responsible adult you know to be your mentor, such as a coach, teacher, or boss.
- If a coach or boss offers to be a mentor, make sure you accept it. However, you can also ask people to mentor you, saying, “I admire your success in life and I hope to achieve the same in the future. I do not know how. Will you be my mentor?”
- Try not to rely too much on a mentor. Remember that a mentor cannot replace a parent so you should not view a mentor as a father or mother figure. A mentor is someone who can help you achieve your goals at school, work, or other specific areas of your life.
Step 3. Seek help from a therapist or school counselor
It is not easy for anyone to accept the attitude of parents who are different from other parents. So maybe you should seek help from a therapist or school counselor. They can help you develop mechanisms to deal with this reality and make you feel better.
- If your school has a counselor, try making an appointment to talk. If you don't feel comfortable doing this or aren't sure where to start, talk to a teacher you trust.
- Try asking your parents if you can see a therapist by saying, “I have a problem with some things and want to discuss it with the therapist. Can you find me?
- Remember, if your parents physically abuse you, your therapist or school counselor should report it.
Step 4. Resist the urge to compare how your parents treated you and your sibling
If your parents seem to like your sibling more than you, it doesn't mean they love him more. There may be situational reasons that make them pay more attention to or think about your sibling. Sometimes this is also unintentional, and parents are not aware that they treat you and your sibling differently.
- Most parents don't intentionally make you feel unloved, but are not aware of how their actions affect you mentally and emotionally.
- Try not to focus on how your parents treat your sibling. Instead, focus on your relationship with them.
Step 5. Try not to take all this to heart
There's no denying it, it's hard to ignore criticism and hurtful words from people who should love you even though you know what they're saying isn't true. Remember that your parents' attitudes and words reflect them, not you.
The next time your parents say something mean or do something that hurt you, try saying to yourself, “I'm a good and worthy person. My parents are just having some personal problems and that's why they said/did that."
Step 6. Treat yourself well
Some children who are not well cared for by their parents also do not take care of themselves, such as hurting themselves, using alcohol or drugs, or deliberately lazing at school. None of that will make you feel better in the long run. Instead of doing negative things, make sure you take care of yourself, such as by:
- Adopt a balanced diet.
- Exercise moderately several times a week.
- Start doing meditation every day.
- Do not smoke and do not use alcohol or drugs.
Step 7. Replace negative words about yourself with self-love
People who grew up in homes that lack love are more likely to talk negatively to themselves, and that can damage self-esteem. To train your brain to think positively, replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
For example, if you frequently repeat what your parents have said, such as "You're an idiot if you can't solve division problems," you could replace it with "Long division is challenging, but I can do it if I try."
Step 8. Write a positive note
You can examine the negative thoughts that are interfering with your ability to love yourself and write down negative thoughts to replace them. To begin, create a table with four columns.
- In the first column, list your negative beliefs. For example, “I can't make good decisions” or “I'm not very smart”.
- In the second column, explain why you believe it. Did your parents say it or do something that made you feel that way?
- In the third column, think about how that belief affects your emotional state and your personal life. Are you depressed, withdrawn, afraid of trying new things and failing, afraid of trusting others or opening up, and so on? Make a short, specific list of what you are missing out on in life because you believe in a negative self-image.
- Then, for the last column, rewrite the thought to be positive. For example, you can change your mind about intelligence with, "I'm a smart and capable person, and I can achieve a lot with my brain."
Step 9. Go outside often
Creating a happy and complete life outside the home will help you feel happier even if your home life is not happy. By finding ways to contribute to the world while being an active part of society, you can rebuild your self-esteem and self-confidence because you focus on your health and happiness.
Try volunteering for a nonprofit, finding a job you enjoy, or joining a youth organization or sports team
Method 2 of 3: Ensuring Health and Safety
Step 1. Report physical or sexual abuse
If you are being abused, seek immediate help. Talk to a teacher, doctor, counselor, or call the police or child protection commission for help. The effects of chronic violence are increasingly difficult to reverse if left unchecked for too long. Don't let abusive people, even your own family, inflict permanent physical or emotional damage on you. Get away from them as soon as possible.
- Contact the nearest Polres Women's and Children's Service Unit and discuss your situation and options.
- Don't hesitate to call 112 if you or another family member is in danger. You won't get in trouble for reporting people who break the law.
Step 2. Disconnect, if possible
If you can cut ties with abusive parents, do so. It's hard to leave people you care about, especially family, but right now your main responsibility is yourself. Don't feel guilty about cutting off contact with your parents if you feel it's for the best.
If you're not sure breaking off contact is necessary, compare the pain you received from them and your happiness. Dysfunctional parents may show love occasionally, usually when it's in their favor, but a little love once in a while isn't enough to justify a reason to stick around
Step 3. Resist the urge to withdraw from friends and other adults
You may think that avoiding relationships with everyone will protect you from the pain of others, but humans need relationships in order to thrive. Children who grow up without parental love or surrogate figures are usually less successful, less happy, and more likely to get sick as adults. Keep talking to other friends and family members, enjoy time with them whenever possible, and open up to meeting new friends and adults you can trust.
- Not all adults or loved ones will treat you like a parent. Don't be afraid to give other people a chance to love you.
- Long-term loneliness has serious health effects, worsening or possibly leading to diseases such as diabetes, heart disease, and neurological disorders. In addition, loneliness can also make cancer spread faster.
Step 4. Learn to be independent
If your dysfunctional parents didn't teach you how to live independently after high school, ask another adult you trust to teach you how to prepare for the "real world."
- Learn how to budget, how to do laundry, or how to turn on the water heater in your new home.
- Estimate the cost of living independently and what you need to get started. Find a job and save money to pay rent for a house or boarding house and buy some furniture.
- Maintain good grades despite problems at home so that you have the option of going to college. Ask a school counselor to help you get a scholarship.
Method 3 of 3: Recognizing Toxic Parents
Step 1. Think about how your parents responded to your accomplishments
One of the signs of a toxic relationship between parent and child is when the parent does not acknowledge the child's achievements in an appropriate manner. For example, parents don't want to acknowledge when you achieve something, or they ignore it. There are also parents who may scoff at the achievement.
For example, if you get good marks on a test, your parents should congratulate you. If your parents are toxic, they may ignore what you say, change the topic, mock you as a nerd, or say, “So what? It's just a replay."
Step 2. Think about the controlling behavior parents use
It's natural for parents to want to guide you, but parents who want to control your behavior may actually be toxic. Examples range from small decisions like what clothes to wear to bigger decisions like where to go to college or what major to major in. If you feel that your parents have too much control over your decisions, they may be toxic parents.
For example, a parent who encourages you to make your own decisions may ask where you want to go to college and why. However, parents who are too controlling your decisions may tell you to go to a certain university
Step 3. Notice the lack of emotional connection
Parents who have healthy relationships with their children demonstrate emotional attachment by making eye contact, smiling, and showing affection in the form of hugs. If your parents had toxic behavior, they probably didn't.
For example, a parent who shows an emotional connection with a child will comfort a crying child. However, parents who do not have an emotional connection will ignore their child or yell at him to stop crying
Step 4. Think about the boundaries between you and your parents
Healthy boundaries are important in parent-child relationships. If you have good boundaries with your parents, then you can feel that your life and theirs are not one and the same.
For example, a parent who has a healthy bond with their child may ask how their child's friends are, but won't insist on hanging out with their child and friends
Step 5. Reflect on the verbal abuse you suffered
Verbal abuse is another form of toxic parenting. If your mom or dad uses harsh calls to you, belittles you, or says things that hurt your feelings, that's verbal abuse.
- For example, your parents should say things that can build you up and make you feel good about yourself. However, you will be sad if your parents say, “You are useless!” or “I can't stand being around you!”
- Some parents are kind and reassuring one day and then mean and critical the next. However, remember that it's still verbal abuse even if they don't always say something mean.
Step 6. Recognize narcissistic behavior
Parents who are so self-focused that they don't pay attention to their children or treat their children badly are also toxic. If your parents ignore you completely or only acknowledge you when you do something they can brag about to their friends, that's an example of a narcissistic and toxic parent.
- For example, your parents should encourage you to pursue an interest. However, a narcissistic parent will only notice if your interest gives you something to brag about, like telling his friends that you won a scholarship even though he never asked about your studies or encouraged you.
- Some narcissistic parents may have a personality disorder. People who have personality disorders show selfishness, do not accept personal responsibility, always justify themselves, feel entitled to everything, and have shallow emotions. They may view the child as a burden or a barrier to achieving personal goals. They usually rely on emotional manipulation to control the child. People with personality disorders are also very critical of children and sometimes physically harm children, or tend to endanger the safety of the child.
Step 7. Think about some of the parental roles you play
Some parents are very immature or have problems (such as addiction) that make it difficult for them to be effective parents. So, it's the child who ends up doing some of the parent's duties. Consider whether you have ever played a parenting role because your parents were unable or unwilling to care for you and/or your siblings. Examples of parental tasks that a child might do are cooking, cleaning, and taking care of other children (sisters).
Sometimes parents assign children to cook and clean the house to teach responsibility, but toxic parents may put a lot of responsibility on one child to avoid having to do it alone. For example, a toxic parent who refuses to cook or clean the house may shirk this responsibility and force one of the children to cook and clean
Step 8. Compare their attitudes and words
Some children feel unloved even though their parents often say they love them, but they do not see that love reflected in the treatment they receive. Make sure you don't assume your parents feel about you without a good reason.
For example, parents who often say “I love you” but often ignore them are actually not acting out of love. Similarly, parents who say they want their children to be independent, but never let their children make their own decisions are also not showing what they say they want
Warning
- Don't take your frustration and suffering out on others, including you. Being mistreated is no reason to treat others badly either.
- Don't imitate the negative behavior of your parents. Many children of toxic parents imitate their parents' behavior and end up treating others the same way as they grow up. Once you recognize the pattern, try to periodically evaluate your relationship with your parents to make sure you don't unknowingly repeat the pattern.
