Why do some people act unlovable? Why would anyone sabotage every other person's efforts to reach out and show them warmth? In fact, there is no simple answer to this question-for some, the cause may be a mistaken fear of closeness, while for others, this behavior may stem from past experiences that have harmed him or her or even from distractions that he has no control over. Whatever the cause, trying to love someone who insists on being unlovable is the noblest (but most difficult) thing to do. Start with Step 1 below to show love to this person, the one who needs it more than anyone.
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Method 1 of 3: Building Relationships
Step 1. Look for the good in him
When dealing with someone you don't think is easy to love, your first step should be to step back and try to reflect on the person as a whole. Ask yourself: is this person really that unlovable? Is he actively resisting other people's attempts to love him, or is he just a little clumsy and haughty? Does this person really lack positive traits, or am I just not taking the time to look? Try to think of ways-even small ones-that prove he's not always bad. This positive side can be a small kindness he has done, a talent he has shown, or even a simple sweet word he has said.
It's a lot easier to try to love someone if you don't start by assuming that he or she is "unlovable." That's why it's better to look for the small positive aspects of the person you're trying to love. By knowing the positive qualities of that person, you will release them from the "unlovable" label in your mind
Step 2. Find the root cause of his attitude
Loving someone who reacts with anger or frustration to trying to reach him is much easier when you have some sort of idea why he is acting the way he is. Some of them repel others because they have been hurt in the past and are afraid to open themselves up to the same pain, while others may just not know how to interact warmly because they were never taught. Finally, it should be noted that some people may act unlovable because of a genuine personality disorder, mental illness or as a result of violence. In a case like this, it will be easier for you to try to love him if you understand the reasons why he is acting so hard.
One way to find out the reason why he acts the way he does is to just get to know him. In this case, you may want to read the section below on how to reach people who aren't easy to love. However, if being around the person is so difficult that it's impossible to make a connection with them, you may be able to open conversations gently with people who know them, such as friends (assuming they have friends), family, colleagues, housemates, and friends. etc
Step 3. Deal with anger with kindness
If the person you're dealing with has a tendency to attack whenever you try to connect with them, resist the urge to retaliate. Anyone who's been labeled as unlovable is probably more than used to enduring sarcastic comments, insults, and verbal abuse, so retaliating will get you nowhere. Instead, try to be nice to this person. Respond to his hostility with a smile, a kind word, or even an offer to help him deal with whatever is bothering him. Since this might be an unusual experience for him, he might be surprised, thus opening it up for further conversation. At the very least, a good attitude will prove to him that not everyone will repay his anger with anger as well.
For example, let's say you're walking down the halls of a school when you see a student with a reputation as a grumpy and clumsy estranged student approaching you. You say "Hi!" and he looks at you angrily. Here, if possible, you need to react positively without hesitation. For example saying "Have a nice day!" it may sound a little tacky for casual social interactions, but to this person, it may be the only nice thing anyone has said to him that whole day
Step 4. Set a positive example for others
As noted above, people deemed unlovable are often the subject of jokes, ridicule, or outright verbal abuse. This kind of negative attention can discourage them from having positive social interactions with others, causing a vicious cycle in which the negative attitudes of others who may be more normal and appropriate will reinforce their unlovable behavior. In cases like this, changing the attitude of those around you can have a good effect, instead of concentrating solely on that person. Try to encourage others to follow your example of treating them with kindness even if they are being difficult.
For example, let's say you're sitting in class waiting for a professor, with the estranged student from the example above and some popular kids. If you get the chance, maybe you need to set an example for treating this estranged child with kindness, by trying to start a friendly conversation with him before the popular kids have a chance to make fun of him. Even if he reacts negatively, you already have the opportunity to set an example of dealing with his anger in your own kindness
Step 5. Listen to the person
Some socially isolated and unlovable people behave in such a way that they feel they cannot form genuine relationships with others and, on the rare occasions when they can, they are not listened to. While it can sometimes be difficult to determine what "signal" he's actually trying to convey in the "deepness" of hostility he may carry in his interactions with you, clearly showing that you're trying to listen is enough to make an impression.
For example, let's say that at lunch, you sat next to the estranged student from the example above because you saw him sitting in a corner alone. At first, he silenced you, but eventually he snorted, "Oh my God, can't you see that I want to be left alone?" You can try to respond calmly and say something like "Hey, sorry, I really don't know-I'm just trying to get to know someone new. But I'll go if you want." This person may not apologize right away and ask you to stay seated, but at the very least, he's aware that you really took what he just said into account, not ignoring him or ignoring his words
Step 6. Recognize the signs of a mental/personality disorder
Unfortunately some people with an unlovable reputation behave this way because of purely biological issues that make it very difficult, if not impossible, for them to act like most people. In such cases, his bad behavior may not be an option, so reacting negatively to him is not only wrong, but cruel. If you think someone with an unlovable reputation exhibits any of the following disorders and isn't receiving help, contact an appropriate authority such as a counselor, social worker, or pastor:
- Clinical Depression: Sometimes causes anger, sadness, lack of motivation, self-loathing, and reckless behavior.
- Antisocial Personality Disorder: May cause a lack of concern for the feelings of others, irritability and aggression, poor impulse control, no guilt or remorse, and callous and selfish behavior.
- Narcissism Personality Disorder: Can cause inflated self-esteem, an exaggerated sense of entitlement, envy of others, a strong desire to be admired, a lack of empathy, and an exaggerated response to humiliation or neglect.
- Avoidant Personality Disorder: May cause extreme fear of shame or rejection, overly restrained and submissive personality, constant anxiety, fear of taking risks, and awkwardness in social situations.
Step 7. Recognize the signs of trauma and violence
Perhaps the most tragic of individuals who are not easily loved are those who become that way because of some kind of trauma or external violence. Extreme traumatic experiences, especially during childhood, can have a profound impact on the way people think, behave, and perceive those around them. While it is difficult for an inexperienced person to pinpoint signs of past violence, the signs below are reasons for concern and immediate intervention, so contact a qualified professional (such as a teacher, social worker, etc.).
- Physical abuse: Mysterious or unexplained injury or illness. Injuries are often dismissed as "accidents". May wear clothing intended to hide signs of injury (long sleeves, sun glasses, etc.) and/or leave from work, school, or social events.
- Emotional abuse: Low self-esteem, anxiety, and social withdrawal. In the context of a personal relationship, this person may be overly anxious to please their partner, may avoid going out without a partner, may have limited access to family, friends, and/or personal belongings, and may have to "report" to their partner frequently. they.
Method 2 of 3: Reaching Out to Her
Step 1. Start by inviting this person to a group event
If you're trying to get an unlovable person to come out of their shell, spending time alone may be awkward and stressful for both of you. Instead, try inviting him to an event that is well attended. At the event, do your best to make him feel welcome, but try not to make him feel too cared for, as doing so can cause awkwardness and possibly prevent him from coming back for future events.
For example, let's say you're hosting a party and invite the aloof and awkward character from the example above as a sign of goodwill. When he actually shows up, you'll be pleasantly surprised. However, you shouldn't overreact to him or he'll get the idea that he's the center of attention, which in his experience is a bad thing. Rather, greet him in the same way you would welcome any acquaintances who come. During the party, you can try starting a nice conversation with him, introducing him to your friends, and bringing him into group conversations if you feel like he's been forgotten. He will probably appreciate your help
Step 2. Build a more familiar event in stages
Over time, as the person becomes more comfortable at group events, you may find them opening up naturally and becoming more likable, or maybe not. If this is the first possibility, you could try inviting him to an event with fewer people so he can make more meaningful interactions with other people. You shouldn't feel compelled to do this-in fact, acting like a close friend to someone when you really don't care about them is both dishonest and disrespectful. On the other hand, if you're starting to get along with this previously unlovable person, you shouldn't hesitate to try.
In the example above, for example, if the person reacted favorably to invitations to several parties, you might want to invite them to hang out with their small circle of close friends when you play bowling or go to a bar. If it seems that he continues to be nice, maybe you can continue with the same attitude as the rest of your friends
Step 3. Don't be discouraged by negative reactions
The steps above assume you get a favorable reaction after inviting the previously unlovable person to hang out with you. But there's also a chance that you won't get a good reaction. He may revert to his old behavior or start attacking people at social events, creating an awkward atmosphere for others. In this case, you can stop trying and refrain from inviting him to social events again, or if his behavior becomes very annoying, you may need to politely ask him to leave.
Quitting inviting people with difficult personalities to social events after they've sabotaged some of them isn't mean-spirited-you just learn from experience. In a case like this, his constant presence might stress everyone involved (including the unlovable person himself)
Method 3 of 3: Using a Religious Approach
Step 1. Seek guidance from the scriptures
Some people feel the need to reach out to people they deem unlovable for religious reasons-for example, because their religion commands them to extend a loving hand to others in times of difficulty or when they feel that unselfish behavior is desirable. All of the world's major religions encourage their followers to behave with love and kindness toward others, so if you're looking for inspiration in a difficult moment to love others, turn to the scriptures of your religion. Below is just a small selection of religious quotes on the topic of love and empathy from different religions of the world (there are many others).
- Kristen: If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has never seen.
- Islam:: "None of you has faith until he loves something for his brother or neighbor what he loves for himself."
- Jew: "What is hatred for you, do not do to your neighbor. That's the point of the Torah; the rest is just explanation. Go and learn it."
- Hinduism: "When a person views the joys and sorrows of others as his own, he has attained the highest spiritual union."
- Buddha: "Compassion is a mind that tastes only mercy and love for all living beings."
- Sikh: "Even kings and emperors who have amassed wealth and vast power cannot be compared to ants full of love for God."
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Notes:
Since "to love the unlovable" is a phrase often used in Christian contexts, the remainder of this section will refer to Christian concepts and terminology. However, it is important to understand that almost all major religions advocate love for others, especially the unlovable, who are most in need of all.
Step 2. Show love to unlovable people by imitating God
God, the creator of the universe, is the source of all love. In fact, when we try to love others even if they behave in ways we think are unlovable, we are imitating one of God's greatest qualities, which is to love everyone unconditionally. If you're having trouble justifying ongoing kindness to someone who doesn't seem worthy or doesn't appreciate it, try to think of your actions as more practicing God's love than acts for others.
Step 3. Recognize that unlovable people need the most love from other people
As mentioned above, God loves everyone unconditionally. However, those who stray from God's way, avoiding His love, need it the most. Only through love (never through coercion or violence) can these people be brought back into the light of God, so by showing them love, you open spiritual doors for them.
In Christianity, returning to God's love after making a mistake is generally considered one of the greatest victories of all (for a biblical example, see parable of the prodigal son). By showing love to another person, you make that victory more likely for that person
Step 4. View your efforts to love the person as an act of faith
One way to motivate yourself to extend your love to someone who is making things difficult for you is to take the action as a sign or evidence of the strength of your faith. If you would normally have trouble loving someone because of your behavior, view this as a challenge of faith-trying your best to love this person is one way of proving your devotion.
Step 5. Realize that God loves the person
Some people's actions are so hurtful that it's really hard to love them. Especially if they hurt you personally. While you can't force yourself to truly love someone, don't forget that God loves that person as much as He loves you. For this reason, at least unlovable people deserve your kindness and forgiveness, even if you can't bring yourself to truly love them.
For an inspiring story about forgiveness, check out the story of Robert Rule, who famously forgave serial killer Gary Ridgway for the murder of his daughter, Linda Role, because forgiveness, he says, is "what God [said] does."
Step 6. Remember the Golden Rule
Treat others the way you would like to be treated-almost all cultures and religions on earth have variations of the same rules (some of which are listed in the selection of quotes above). No matter what others do or say to you, the Golden Rule states that you must treat them as you would like to be treated. If someone is practically unlovable, remembering the golden rule can help you justify your ongoing efforts to extend love and kindness in the face of that person's hostility.
