Getting unwanted and excessive attention can be uncomfortable or even scary. Telling the person that you don't want to reciprocate his approach can be difficult, especially if he's a former friend, coworker or ex-lover. Ways to deal with unwanted attention can vary depending on the intentions of the person pursuing you (such as whether he or she wants a friendship or a romantic relationship) and how intensely you are being pursued. Here are some guidelines to get someone to stop chasing you.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Telling Him Directly
Step 1. Be honest
Let him know you're not interested; say this firmly but not cruelly. You don't have to mention all the faults and hurt her feelings. Just make it clear that you don't feel that a relationship with him (of any kind) will work and that you'd prefer if he stopped approaching you.
- For example, if he keeps trying to ask you out and you want him to stop, you could say "Listen, I'm sorry but I'm not interested in dating you, would you please stop asking?"
- If an honest reason could really hurt the person (like if you find him annoying), rephrase the excuse to make it less painful. For example, if he asks why you don't want to date him, instead of saying something like "I find you annoying" you can say, "We have opposite personalities and I don't think we would get along." That way, you don't emphasize the faults in the character and explain the reasons based on the dynamics of the relationship between the two of you specifically.
Step 2. Stimulate empathy
Empathy makes people more prosocial. Let him know that the way he behaved towards you made you uncomfortable or frightened, and that the experience made you restless. He may not realize that his attention to you makes you uncomfortable; he may have another conclusion, that you like his affection and attention. Engage her feelings by talking about how you really feel about her unexpected behavior.
For example, if he's still chasing you even after you tell him your personalities don't match, you can say "I've told you many times that I'm not interested, and it feels like you don't want to listen to me, this makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous."
Step 3. Don't leave a gap
Don't give him a chance to misinterpret your words. If you give him a chance, he may just stick around or just keep some distance.
Instead of saying "I'm not interested in dating you right now," close the gap completely by saying "I'm not interested in dating you."
Step 4. Threatening to take legal action
In severe cases, after all options have failed and you are truly insecure, threaten him with legal action. This move can frighten him and make him back off.
Let him know that you have a detailed record of what he did to you. Keep a record of all his attempts to communicate with you
Part 2 of 3: Letting Him Get Your Cues
Step 1. Say no with body language
This step will only work if he can see you while communicating. Having body language that shuts down or looks like he's in a hurry can make him realize that his attempts to communicate with you are unwanted.
- When he comes back to you, try to look away, bend down, fidget or yawn to indicate that you're not interested.
- Be careful not to inadvertently send a gesture of interest with body language such as leaning towards him or laughing.
Step 2. Keep the communication between the two of you short
Sometimes simply telling someone you're not interested is not enough, or maybe there isn't enough opportunity to talk to them and tell them the truth. Keeping any communication that takes place between the two of you short and to the point will help him understand the signs that you're not interested. This step will also make it difficult for him to continue communicating as there will be less material to discuss.
For example, if he texts and asks how you are today and if you would like to go out to dinner with him, you may leave the question about the news and simply say "Thanks for the offer, but don't worry."
Step 3. Stop communication between the two of you
If he still doesn't understand your cues and talking directly to him doesn't help, it's time to stop all communication. Don't give in to feelings of guilt because you decided to run away from the situation. If you believe that removing this person from your life is a good idea, keep that in mind when you start to feel sorry. Regret motivates us to improve relationships, but sometimes it also tries to motivate us to do so even though it may not actually benefit us in the long run.
- If after you decline the date, the person tries to make you feel sorry by saying something like "I'm going through a really tough time right now so your rejection really hurts" remember that regret can be misguided and lead you to make bad decisions.
- Just because you stop communication doesn't mean you should delete all communications he sends you, especially if you feel that you may be being stalked by this person. In cases like this it's a good idea to keep a record of all existing communications just in case you need them for legal reasons.
Step 4. Run away from him
In severe cases, such as if you feel like you're being stalked, changing your email address, phone number, or in the worst case changing your home and/or work address will greatly affect your chances of getting the unwanted person to stop bothering you.
Part 3 of 3: Getting Outside Help
Step 1. Get social support
Share your situation with family or friends. They may be able to give you helpful advice on how to deal with the situation.
If those who hear your story know the unwanted attention giver, be sure to remind whoever you're telling to keep it a secret and not to share the information outside of those you think may know
Step 2. Find the right source of help for the situation
Think about the severity of the situation that surrounds you and whether it's time to seek outside help. In the United States there are laws governing stalking; police involvement and other legal interventions are options in severe cases. There are also hotlines to help with stalking, such as: https://www.stalkinghelpline.org/. In Indonesia, stalking is not specifically regulated by law, but the police can still provide assistance if you feel that the treatment you receive is beyond reasonable limits. Perpetrators can be subject to articles regarding unpleasant acts such as article 335 of the Criminal Code.
Step 3. Consult your chosen help source
Feel free to take advantage of the resources you've found, especially if you feel threatened.
- If this is a work-related issue, contact your office's human resources department about available help resources for situations involving unwanted attention from coworkers.
- If the problem is school-related, contact your teacher or principal to see if they can help you deal with your situation.
- If you feel that you are being stalked, consider involving the police.
Step 4. Inform the person that you have sought outside support
However, only perform this step in certain contexts. In some cases it may be best to keep it a secret, such as when the situation is too severe, or if the problem occurs at work. In other cases, such as when you feel you are in danger, letting the stalker know that you have involved the police or other sources of help can cause him to back down.
Tips
- Talk to the person in private so as not to embarrass them in front of other people, unless this will make you feel uncomfortable or insecure.
- If you feel you're being stalked, keep a record of all communications and attempts at communication from that person.
- If you are being stalked and plan to report the matter legally, keep a copy of your report in an easily accessible place. That way, you can immediately call the police if you need help and present the report quickly.
Warning
- If someone is bothering you either physically or mentally, seek help immediately. Talk to someone in authority, such as a school counselor or the police.
- If the person's behavior is almost stalking, like trying to follow you without your knowledge, seek help immediately. Call the police if you feel unsafe.
