Validating your feelings requires that you understand the other person's heart and acknowledge that their feelings matter. In a healthy relationship, it is very important to validate a person's feelings when he is angry. Start by listening and responding simply. After that, try to empathize as much as possible. Remember, you don't have to agree with someone's feelings or choices to validate that person's feelings!
Step
Method 1 of 3: Listening and Responding
Step 1. Respond verbally to show that you are listening
Validation starts with the ability to listen. It's important to respond when someone is talking so they know you're listening. Say “Okay”, “uh-huh”, and “I see” when someone is speaking to make them feel heard.
Step 2. Use body language to show that you are listening
Look him in the eye, then turn your head or your whole body toward him as he speaks. You may want to stop whatever is being done. Show that you are present and paying attention.
- If you're doing something else while listening (like folding the laundry or cooking), look at the person you're talking to occasionally and signal that you're paying attention. Looking into her eyes every now and then is a good way of doing this.
- If your body language is hindered by your disability, you can still show concern. Try to accommodate your needs (such as playing with one hand while looking at the other person's chin) or simply explain that you have different body language but are willing to listen.
Step 3. Keep an eye on the other person
The most basic form of validation is to keep your attention on the other person, even if the feelings they are conveying are difficult to digest or unpleasant to hear. Put aside your discomfort first, and focus totally on the other person. Here are some ways to show that you're listening:
- Holding his hand
- Look directly into his eyes
- Sitting together or stroking his back
- Saying "I'm here for you"
Step 4. Respond to the mood and energy of the other person
If someone seems excited, allow yourself to feel happy or excited too. If he is sad, be sympathetic. If he's nervous, calm down and understand his feelings. Imitating the energy emitted and responding to the other person's mood will make him feel understood.
For example, if your best friend is excited about her date with a new person, she will appreciate it if you share a happy or happy reaction. Meanwhile, if he feels normal, your overly excited behavior will make him nervous. It is very important to read a person's mood and enthusiasm
Step 5. Ask questions to clarify something
When someone has finished expressing their feelings, ask questions to clarify what they are saying. This will give a person the opportunity to elaborate on his feelings and thoughts so that he feels truly cared for.
For example, say something like "So how did you feel after that happened?" or “How do you feel about that?”
Step 6. Repeat what the other person said
After someone has finished conveying their thoughts and feelings, repeat the words one more time. This may sound silly, but it can validate his thoughts by acknowledging that you heard and understood what was being said. Try saying something like:
- "So you're frustrated that the professor gave a little warning."
- "Wow, you really look elated!"
- "That must be hard for you."
- "Correct me if I'm wrong. You feel hurt when my sister makes fun of your way of speaking and I don't do anything to her?"
Step 7. Make sure you listen more than you talk
You may want to comment on someone's feelings and thoughts. Even if your opinion is helpful, when someone expresses their feelings, you should simply be a good listener. Do not interrupt or interrupt until he has finished his sentence.
Don't comment just yet because the person will feel that your response is fake and you won't want to admit his feelings. Focus on listening and paying attention. He will probably find the answer to his own problem simply because you are willing to listen
Method 2 of 3: Empathize with Someone
Step 1. Help him elaborate on his feelings
After someone has expressed their feelings, see if you can help them elaborate on their feelings and causes. For example, you could say something like "You seem to be in a lot of pain?" This way shows that the feelings of the other person are important and that you understand the situation.
If your guess is accurate, he will usually say "yes, and…", then elaborate on his feelings. If you guess wrong, he will say "no, actually…", then explain his true feelings. Whatever the choice, you enable the person to elaborate and process everything
Step 2. Recall a similar experience you had
If possible, show that you understand someone by sharing a similar experience. Then, share how you feel, and explain that you understand the other person's feelings. This will make him feel validated.
For example, if a friend isn't invited to their own sister's vacation, you might say, “Yeah, loneliness is scary. My brothers and cousins go camping every year, and I'm never invited. I was disappointed that I wasn't invited. I understand why you feel sad about not being invited to your sister's event. It's not nice to be ignored."
Step 3. Treat the reaction as normal
If you haven't had a similar experience, you can still validate someone's feelings. You could say something like "I think most people in this situation would feel the same way you do." This shows that you think his reaction is justified and that he has a right to feel those emotions. Try some of the following:
- "It's okay to be upset about the flu shot procedure. Nobody likes it."
- "Of course you're afraid of asking for a promotion to your boss. These kinds of things are scary for a lot of people."
- "Yeah, no wonder you don't want to go out today."
Step 4. Acknowledge someone's personal history
You can also help someone by acknowledging that their personal history is related to their emotions. This is especially helpful if the person is concerned that he or she is being irrational or exaggerating. Even if the person is overreacting, you still need to help them understand that they are free to feel whatever they want. Try the following:
- "Seeing the way Ani treats you, I really understand why you don't want to date first. This wound is very difficult to heal."
- "After the roller coaster ride earlier, I can understand why you are hesitant to play this ride. Want to ride the merry-go-round?"
- "Given that you were bitten by a dog last year, I understand why your neighbor's new dog makes you nervous."
Method 3 of 3: Avoiding Responses without Validation
Step 1. Don't correct someone's thinking
Never correct someone's thoughts or feelings, especially if they are angry. If someone is being irrational, you might try to wake them up. However, this can be seen as a rejection of one's feelings.
For example, don't say "This matter shouldn't upset you." You may not like someone's response, still validating is different from agreeing. It is only limited to acknowledging someone's feelings. Try saying something like "I see why this makes you angry" or "You sound really angry."
Step 2. Don't give unsolicited advice
Often times, when someone talks to you about their problems, they just want to be heard. Before opening your mouth and saying “just ignore it” or “look on the bright side”, stop. Listen carefully to what is being said, and focus on sympathizing. He had to process his emotions first.
- If you want to help, listen first. After that, ask how you can help him.
- If you're not sure, try asking "Are you asking for advice or just wanting to channel your anger?"
Step 3. Make sure you are using the right type of validation
Remember, you cannot validate haphazardly. Choose the best validation option. If you can't sympathize personally, for example, don't try to compare. However, show more general validation.
For example, let's say that a friend is feeling stressed because of her divorce. Don't try to sympathize directly if you've never been divorced, for example by comparing the divorce to a breakup you've been through. However, provide more general validation. For example, “It's understandable why you feel this way. Divorce is difficult for anyone to deal with.”
Step 4. Don't blame
Don't blame someone's feelings, especially if they feel very angry. Blaming is the same as showing that you don't think his feelings are valid. Avoid responses like:
- "Complaining doesn't fix anything. Be strong and face your problems."
- "You're overreacting."
- "So you're mad at your best friend. Doesn't this bother you?"
- "Maybe she wouldn't have done that if you weren't wearing a miniskirt."
Step 5. Don't try to "suck up" her feelings
“Siphoning” in this context means that you are pretending the problem doesn't exist or never happened. An example of this is:
- "Oh, that doesn't sound too bad."
- "It's no big deal."
- "Stay positive."
- "Everything will be fine in the end! Don't worry."
- "Strengthen your heart."
- "Look on the bright side."
Step 6. Don't try to fix her feelings
Sometimes people try to help someone they care about recover from heartache because they don't want to see her angry. Even if his intentions are good, it won't help him in the long run, and he'll feel guilty for still feeling down after getting help.
- If you want to help, try to listen to the whole story and validate her feelings over time. Then ask if he needs help or offer to work out a solution together.
- If they accept your help, be sure not to dictate what they have to do. For example, instead of saying "you have to let it go", try saying "Personally, I try to forget people who don't want to be around me, and focus on the people who love me." This will help him determine whether he wants to do it or not.
